Is shouting at kids a form of abuse?
Question
I spent lockdown with my mother in a small, rural town that was very quiet. There was one house across an empty paddock where a family of three young boys and their parents lived. I never saw the mother, but I heard her because she yelled and abused her husband and kids most days. She’d scream and swear, and the kids would huddle in the paddock if she was having a go at her partner.
I know everyone can shout sometimes, but this was bad. My mother is old and frail and she keeps her TV up loud but even she said she often hears the fighting. I felt sorry for the children. I’ve left my mother’s place now, but I’m torn between forgetting what I heard and reporting them to someone so the kids get help. Is shouting abuse?
The children you saw huddling in the paddock will be living on constant guard for the trigger that sets the tirades off.
Answer
This question highlights a grey area many perceive lies between an ordinary household dispute and domestic violence. People often wonder if they should intervene. When does it become our business? And if I do say something, or report them, will they know it was me?
You ask if shouting is abuse? Well yes, it is. Domestic violence is not just when people beat each other. It’s any behaviour that may be deemed threatening, intimidating or harassment of any kind. It’s rare that the first act of abuse is a violent one. The constant yelling and swearing you heard is how physical violence can begin; the namecalling, threats, possessiveness and isolation are the initial steps and often escalate to physical abuse.
Our children are so vulnerable and precious. Experts tell us that when they grow up in homes with high levels of conflict, they are more likely to experience physical, emotional and social problems later in life, compared to children in more stable environments. The children you saw huddling in the paddock will be living on constant guard for the trigger that sets the tirades off.
This woman’s outbursts at her partner and children won’t be because they’ve done something wrong and angered her. It’s about power and control. Even though you’ve left the area, it’s not too late to get help. We’re a nation that doesn’t ‘‘tell tales’’, but the children huddling in fear are not living in the safe environment they’re entitled to.
We need to care more as a community and call out the trouble spots. The mother in that family needs help, so think of it as enabling that help, rather than ‘‘reporting’’ her.
The advice from the experts I spoke to was that you ring 105, the non-urgent police number. They will ask you questions so the right organisations become involved to help this family. It’s never too late and it’s not a case of out of sight, out of mind.
■ Mary-anne Scott has raised four boys and written three novels for young adults. As one of seven sisters, there aren’t many parenting problems she hasn’t talked over.
■ Please note that Mary-anne is not a trained counsellor. Her advice is not intended to replace that of a professional counsellor or psychologist.
■ To send Mary-anne a question, email life. style@stuff.co.nz with Dear Mary-anne in the subject line. Your anonymity is assured.