Disney Fowls up long-awaited Artemis adaptation
Artemis Fowl (PG, 95 mins) Directed by Kenneth Branagh Reviewed by James Croot ★★1⁄2
There was something special about Artemis Fowl II (Ferdia Shaw). He beat the European chess champ when he was 7. At 9, he won an architectural competition to design the Dublin Opera House and, just a year later, cloned a goat and named him Bruce.
But all that precocious intelligence had also seen him regularly clash with his teachers. It didn’t help that his mother was gone and his father was barely ever there.
A dealer in antiquities, rarities and just about every fairy tale you’d care to imagine, rumours had persisted for years that Artemis Fowl Sr (Colin Farrell) was actually responsible for some of the biggest robberies of the past decade, including that of the Rosetta Stone and The Book of Kells.
So while father and son bonded whenever Artemis Sr deigned to visit Fowl Manor, the truth was his son’s real caregiver was the family’s trusted servant and bodyguard Domovoi Butler (Nonso Anozie). He’s needed when Artemis Sr’s superyacht is found abandoned in the South China Sea.
That news is quickly followed by a ransom demand. If Artemis wants to see his father again, he’ll have to hand over something called an Aculos in the next three days.
With no idea what it is, Artemis begins searching his father’s library, uncovering his dad’s diary, in which he claims all his tales of leprechauns, banshees, spirits and goblins are true.
There’s another world that has been hidden beneath our feet for 1000 years, and the Aculos is ‘‘a weapon so powerful and mysterious it can barely be imagined’’.
Artemis knows he needs the fairies’ help, but how can he persuade a group distrusting of humans and upset at their reduction to being just ‘‘silly stories designed to frighten children’’? To him, there’s only one solution – a fairy-napping.
While some may feel saddened that a film 19 years in the making (the film rights were bought even before the first of Eoin Colfer’s eight-book franchise was released in 2001) was denied a big-screen release, its shift to Disney+ may be the Mouse House’s savviest marketing move in years.
On its streaming service, it will be spared the scrutiny of box office results, which could have made for depressing reading.
Yes, I’m afraid Artemis Fowl is this year’s Speed Racer, Prince of Persia or this northern summer’s Tomorrowland, a movie that will leave many deeply disappointed.
While the CGI is admittedly impressive and Sir Kenneth Branagh (Cinderella, Murder on the Orient Express, Thor) stylishly directs the action with aplomb, tonally it feels off.
Combining Colfer’s first text with elements of his second tale The Arctic Incident, Conor McPherson (dreary 2009 drama The Eclipse) and Hamish McColl (Paddington) have come up with a kind of Men in Black-meets-Narnia, by way of The Golden Compass and The Sorcerer’s Apprentice.
Its Irish setting is a little too Darby O’Gill and the Little People as well, most notably manifested in Patrick Doyle’s (A United Kingdom) cod-Celtic, Braveheart-esque score.
However, Artemis Fowl’s biggest problem is its protagonist. He simply isn’t likeable.
I thought smug tween-age boy heroes died out with Macaulay Culkin and Frankie Muniz (both of whom probably would have been considered for the role if this was 1990 or 2000). Newcomer Shaw fails to imbue his boy genius with any kind of anti-hero charisma, or even humanity.
That is a shame because some of the supporting cast are excellent. Dame Judi Dench gives a nice, deep-voiced, elfin-eared spin on her James Bond series character to play Commander Root, and Josh Gad injects some much-needed humour as the Hagrid-esque ‘‘giant dwarf’’ Mulch Diggums.
‘‘Most humans are afraid of gluten, how do you think they are going to handle goblins,’’ he notes.
The sight of those two ‘‘going at each other like a pair of hippos with a throat infection’’ is one of the film’s few highlights. Likewise, the performance of Lara McDonnell (Love, Rosie) as elven reconnaissance officer Holly Short also deserved far more screen time.
As the credits roll, we’re left with the stage set tantalisingly for sequels, but with a conceit that was at best confusing and a main character it was really hard to care about.
Artemis Fowl is streaming now on Disney+.