Elz Carrad and Dana Andrew

Elz Carrad is the lead actor in Ru¯ rangi, a local webseries depicting the experiences of gender-diverse Kiwis, which premieres at this year’s New Zealand International Film Festival. The 28-year-old proposed to his girlfriend, Dana Andrew, 36, a skin the

EI used to be a backup singer. I was actually performing at this local festival/concert. There was part of a song where you had to pick out people in the crowd – the second line was like: ‘‘That girl...’’ I picked Dana, and just kind of performed to her the whole time, not thinking anything of it. There was a photo we were both tagged in where she’s looking at me and I’m on stage. Not too long after, we started speaking to each other on Instagram.

It felt really natural. I knew she had kids, which I was so open to – not once did I think this is a bad idea. I just thought she was beautiful. She has a calm personality and she was really open with me, which I loved.

[Telling someone you’re transgender] – it’s always a little bit nerve-racking because you never know how someone’s going to react. Thankfully, I’ve always had a positive reaction from people, whether it’s a romantic thing or not.

Obviously, what we’d built together at that time was important, so I thought, better let her know. It wasn’t a big deal. Just a massive weight off my shoulders. Every time basically, it’s just like: ‘‘OK phew, we’re good. Carry on!’’

She didn’t tell me how old she was for a long time. She does not look her age. So I’m thinking she must be around mid-20s. And I actually said to her: ‘‘OK but, as long as you’re not 30.’’ It turned out she was 30, or turning 30. But you know what, it didn’t matter.

She can seem shy when she first meets people, but she’s not really. She’s very trusting, she’s very empathetic. A lot of my friends and family describe her as being someone who just is easy to talk to, and she just gets people. Even in our relationship, when I share things with her, she just knows what I’m where I’m going with it. I think she’s a real healer in many ways as well.

She’s more of a kick back, chill kind of person, and I’m very structured. I like to know what’s happening, I’m very in the future. And she’s more in the present. In the beginning of the relationship, there was a little bit of me being like: ‘‘This is how it’s supposed to be.’’ And she’s like: ‘‘Well, actually, everyone has their way of doing things. And this is the way I do it.’’ We kind of balance each other out. Today for instance, I was like: ‘‘Why do you leave the knives and the forks in the sink when you’ve finished with them?’’ And she doesn’t like it when the dirty dishes aren’t stacked... We have a giggle about it.

The kids had gone away so it was just us, and it was her birthday. We were in level 3 so not much was open, apart from Mitre 10. And she loves plants. So I did a click-and-collect – I had to sit in the line for like an hour, but it was totally worth it! I put all the plants out in the lounge for her to wake up to. Then I packed a picnic, and we went to Piha. I’d planned on doing it but I couldn’t get a ring in time. I had this sizing ring I’d kept on my set of keys for years. So I just had to use that. I wrote a really cheesy poem, saying that this was a proposal and you can pick your own ring. She wasn’t expecting it at all. She just started laughing hysterically, which actually made me really nervous and confused! But she said yes.

DWe both went to the same concert/festival thing. Somebody took a photo behind me, looking towards Elz. It was put on Instagram. We both were tagged in that. And then we started chatting over the photos. I was new to Instagram, so I didn’t know how it worked. I was liking his photos, but I didn’t know that he got notified every time he got a like. I think I liked about 12. He sent a message back saying you know, I can see that you’re liking everything. I was so embarrassed. And then I started unliking things...

We talked for ages. And he told me he was trans, which I didn’t know. He said he had to tell me something. I said, ‘‘OK, go ahead.’’ And he said: ‘‘I’m transgender, I’m sorry.’’ My thing was like: ‘‘Why are you apologising for who you are? Don’t do that.’’ He was like: ‘‘Oh my God, thank God.’’ We kept talking from there. That was over five years ago.

I was terrified. I thought, this not going to go anywhere, because he’s so much younger than me, and I have three children. But there was just something about him – I couldn’t get away from it. Even if [keeping in touch] didn’t go anywhere, I still wanted to have him in my life.

The first time we met I couldn’t even look at him because he’s got such intense eyes. It was supposed to be a five-minute meeting and then we were there for a good hour. I was just like: ‘‘Oh my God, he’s beautiful inside and out.’’ It was just like I’d known him forever. And he’s so funny. He just made me relax straight away, cracking jokes and stuff.

He knew I had kids but I didn’t tell him how old I was. I refused to tell him [my age] and he kept asking me. He said as long: ‘‘As you’re not 30.’’ And I was think I was 30, or 29! He was 23. So I was like: ‘‘Yep, ha ha...’’ Inside I was like: ‘‘Oh my God.’’

I very quickly realised it was something serious. And [my age] was just not a big deal. He’s never seen it as a big deal.

I cooked a dinner and I told my kids that my friend was coming over – I still hadn’t told them that I was seeing somebody. He came over and had dinner with the kids and it was great. They just loved him. Cos he’s just so funny – a really dry sense of humour. It’s hard to think of how it was then because of how it is now. It’s just like he’s always been a part of our family.

He has the kindest soul of anybody I’ve ever met. Even if he wasn’t as good-looking as he is, I’d still find him attractive. I think that’s what attracted me more. It’s his spirit and his energy that made me fall in love with him.

He’s got six kids in his family and I’m from a family of six kids. We both grew up with single parents. But I grew up like, city slicker, and he grew up in the country. We both love nature. When things are stressful and hectic, we go to the beach or for a bush walk or something like that. And we both love puns. We’ll go on for a good 10 minutes trying to out-pun each other.

I can honestly say we’ve never had a fight. We communicate; if we have a problem, we just talk things out and move along.