Messages on the voicemail of the ‘real president’
This is the voicemail of … the greatest American president except for Abraham Lincoln – and some people say, I’ve heard them say, maybe even greater than that! … You have 10 new messages.
First new message: Mr President, this is Special Agent Cooper from the Department of Justice, we’d like to arrange service of some, er, documents via your designated attorney, can you let me know their contact details. Thank you.
Second new message: Mr Trump, it’s President Andre´ s Manuel Lo´ pez Obrador of Mexico. Just to let you know, we’ve decided to pay for the wall after all, so tell me who to make the cheque out to.
Third new message: Mr D Trump? It’s Luanne here from Four Seasons Total Landscaping in Philadelphia. Just reaching out to you about an unpaid invoice for the hire of our parking lot in November. Also, a spoiling fee for when your Mr Giuliani leaked some, I don’t know, black liquid ... on our forecourt? Your prompt attention would be appreciated.
Fourth new message: Mr Trump, it’s Kevin from Red State Movers in MarA-Lago. Sir, that big old wooden desk we trucked down from Washington, we’re having trouble getting it into your en suite. I did what you said and sawed it in two but I dunno. Maybe you want to take a look.
Fifth new message: Hey Donny, it’s me, Andre´ s Manuel Lo´ pez Obrador, again. About paying for that wall – I was kidding! Talk about a neighbour from hell – adios forever!
Sixth new message: Mr President, this is Special Agent Cooper from the Department of Justice again. I approached your last-known attorney, Mr Giuliani, who says he doesn’t get out of bed for less than $20,000. Also, something about just adjusting his trousers. Anyway sir, can you call me to arrange service of these documents? Thank you.
Seventh new message: Dad, it’s Don Junior here, I’m in a holding cell with some other patriots, there’s a guy with horns on his head and – anyway, these police are really disrespectful but I told them my dad is the real President of the United States, and he’s going to march down here and go wild! So any time you want to do that Dad, okay? Dad?
Eighth new message: Don, it’s Joe Biden. Don, I was disappointed when my new naval attache´ opened the satchel to go through the nuclear launch code instructions only to find it was empty apart from a red MAGA hat and some greasy Wendy’s wrappers. Come on man, I need those nuclear codes back.
Ninth new message: Daddy, it’s Ivanka. It’s so cold here in Manhattan, and they’re saying terrible things about you. They say you incited insurrection. And they say I’ll have to sell my furs to help pay your legal bills.
Please don’t let that be true, Daddy. I love those furs.
Tenth new message: Mr President, Special Agent Cooper from Justice again. Hey, don’t worry about that serving documents business. I’m just ringing you with a tip-off – McDonalds is promoting a new home-delivery service in your area with free extra-large shakes!
All you gotta do when you see the black van in your street is run out and say your name clearly to the two burly men in dark suits. Good luck, Mr President!