The divorce pandemic
The stresses of lockdown and its aftermath has had a devastating effect on marriages, especially if couples’ relationships were already on tenterhooks, writes Alice O’Connell.
Mike and Sarah learnt three things during the level 4 lockdown last year. The first was that neither was particularly skilled at baking. The second was they have a secret shared love of trashy reality TV shows. The third was that their eight-year marriage was most certainly over.
Being cooped up together in their small, two-bedroom home, they felt more distant from one another than ever. There had always been some issues with their communication, neither was particularly forthcoming when talking about the tough stuff, and often arguments went unresolved. And that’s if they even got to the point of being openly discussed. There was often just quiet seething between the pair.
When the pandemic hit, it pulled them further apart, and they soon realised the years of damage went too deep.
“I felt like he just didn’t understand me any more and, to be honest, I didn’t really understand him any more,” Sarah says. “We’d been together since we were 19. We’d become different people, yet we’d allowed our worst habits to continue on in the relationship.”
Sarah moved out during level 2 lockdown, and the pair consider themselves to be amicable as they navigate their divorce, with hopes they might one day be friends.
Steven Dromgool, director at Relate, which provides relationship and marriage counselling, says Mike and Sarah’s situation isn’t unusual. Lockdowns threw a number of stresses at couples, and while those pressures made some come together to form a stronger bond, for others, the problems that already existed in their marriages were blown wide open.
“In general, it seems that whatever you had before, you now have quite a lot more of,” he says. “If it was a good relationship, and you were able to support each other, enjoy more time together, have that discovery of cooking together, going for walks – there’s almost a new lease of life in the relationship.”
But, “If you were in a relationship where one of you was quite ambivalent or there was quite a lot of disconnection – or even worse, open conflict – that feeling that you were stuck together and just couldn’t get away from one another, made it a lot worse.”
Dromgool says the number of people contacting his practice spiked during lockdown and in the months after. That trend has also been noted by lawyers and divorce coaches, in New Zealand and abroad.
Auckland divorce lawyer Jeremy Sutton has reported a 25 per cent increase in business since April last year and, in the United Kingdom, leading law firm Stewarts reported a 122 per cent increase in inquiries between July and October last year, compared with the same period in 2019.
Here, divorce coach/settlement strategist Bridgette Jackson who runs Equal Exes, says she has been incredibly busy in the past year.
“Since lockdown, I’ve found … [numbers] quadruple, in terms of people reaching out and asking for support who are thinking about going through a separation or are in the process of one.”
Degrees of Separation divorce coach Kimberlee Sweeney has also been in demand during the past year, and has seen the effect that lockdowns had on some partnerships. “It just brought things to a head for some couples,” she says. “It wasn’t often things that weren’t there already in the relationship, but when they were stuck together in lockdown, some realised that they just could no longer do it.
“Some have struggled with communication, which obviously wasn’t working well to start with, and that has really gone downhill fast when they’ve been together for weeks on end. For some, co-parenting hasn’t gone well. Everyone has been trying to work and then do home schooling, and it has been extra challenging on family. Mostly, there will be one partner who doesn’t
Communication issues and division of household labour have been primary pain points. In other cases, the cause of the split has been more dramatic.
feel supported in all those roles. They might feel they’re having to step up and do everything, while the other is really focusing on their own needs.”
Although communication issues and division of household labour have been primary pain points, in other cases, the cause of the split has been more dramatic.
Aucklander Kate made the heart-breaking discovery during level 4 lockdown that her husband had been having an affair. With a young baby at home and external pressures, they found themselves arguing frequently during lockdown, and it came to a head when his affair was revealed.
“Normally, you’d pack up to go live at your parents,” she says. “It was so messed up that I couldn’t even leave. Having a cry and stuff online with my friends wasn’t the same.”
She believed lockdown made a reconciliation less likely, with the pair forced to spend the following two weeks together in their small apartment, adding to her pain, and intensifying the bitterness between them. “Maybe we would have been able to work it out if it happened in some other situation, but... it was hell. We’d gone too far,” she says.
Back across town, Sarah says she felt humiliated by her and Mike’s lockdown divorce, until she suddenly wasn’t alone. Two months after her split, one of her best friends announced she and her husband were also divorcing, and another four months later, her older sister broke the news of her own separation.
While there appears to have been a surge in couples having difficulties in relationships since the pandemic, divorce coach Sweeney says there are other factors at play, too.
There are key life stages when we are more likely to divorce, which Sarah is bang in the midst of. Sarah is 38, which puts her in the most common age bracket for separating – the late-30s/early-40s.
“Women, especially, tend to hit 40 and start to find their voice,” Sweeney says. “They’ve often had their children or the children are getting older, and they’re realising that there’s more to life, and [they] want changes. And if those changes don’t happen within the relationship, and they can’t grow together as a couple, it’s a stage where they usually grow apart.”
There are two more life stages in which relationships are most likely to crumble. The next, is around the 50s, “an age where women are going through menopause and men just don’t cope with it,” Sweeney says. “The kids might be getting a bit older, or heading off to university, and women start to feel like they’re a bit more free to be able to do their own thing.”
Lastly, Sweeney says there is the “grey divorce”. “That’s where you see couples who are coming close to retirement, and they just can’t imagine retiring and spending all day, every day with each other. They end up taking their retirement savings and homes, and splitting it and starting a new life.”
But it’s younger people who are divorcing in greater numbers, dragging the average age down to 44.4 years in New Zealand for women, and 47 for males, which is why Sweeney says Sarah’s divorce at 38 is unfortunately, rather common.
Even the fact Sarah’s divorce has been followed by a close friend’s then her sister’s splits, isn’t unusual.
One scientific study (conducted by Rose McDermott from Brown University], James H Fowler at the University of California San Diego, and Nicholas A Christakis from Harvard) that set out to discover whether divorces can be contagious, found that you are 75 per cent more likely to get divorced if you have a close friend who is divorced.
If you have several divorced friends in your social network, your odds shoot up to 147 per cent (compared to people who are married and socialise with mostly married friends).
If your sibling divorces, that also amps up your likelihood by 22 per cent. Even having divorced coworkers can increase your chances by 50 per cent.
While Sarah is heartbroken for her sister and her friend, she says having people who understand what she’s going through has been a godsend.
“I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but at least we have each other. I just hope we don’t have any more friends joining our sad club.”