A big welcome to Shortland Street, Dr Spin

Following Health Minister Andrew Little’s announcement that the Government is teaming up with TV soap Shortland Street to promote nursing, an investigation has unearthed a leaked script suggesting the extent of cooperation may be far wider:

Operating theatre, day. Surgeon Chris Warner and theatre nurse Emma Newbie are conducting surgery on a patient.

CW: Thank goodness you’ve come here to Shortland Street, Nurse Newbie.

Staff shortages being what they are, I’m not sure even I could have managed this combination lung and heart transplant, bowel resection and ingrown-toenail removal myself. More suction, please.

EN: Well, doctor, I’m just glad I retrained under the Government’s awesome new scheme to encourage nurses into the profession.

CW: It is ‘‘awesome’’, as you young folk say. What do you like most about the job, Nurse? The excellent pay or the excellent conditions? EN: Both. But what I really love are the great work stories.

You know, I expected to spend most of my time being absolutely shattered and getting spat at by jacked-up patients in the ED. But it’s been a non-stop rollercoaster ride of fascinating medical conditions, quirky banter, moral dilemmas and finding love in unexpected places.

CW: Awesome, indeed. Phew, I’m getting too old for this stressful surgery. Guess I picked the wrong week to give up smoking.

EN: It’s never too late to give up smoking, doctor.

You just need to call Quitline 0800 778 778 for free ongoing help and support. It’s free, from the Government.

CW: What a great service, I think I’ll do just that. Tell me, what did you do before you retrained as a nurse?

EN: Well, I went on an extended holiday around New Zealand. I could have gone overseas, but I thought it was important to spend my discretionary income where it would most help our hard-hit travel and hospitality sectors. CW: Good for you, and good for the economy.

Now, we’re ready to close. Thanks to your help I think this young man will have a full recovery. EN: That’s great news, doctor. I’d hate to think he’d miss out on his Cost of Living Payment.

CW: Indeed. And if he does have any trouble he’ll just have to freephone IRD and have some proof of identity. They’re experiencing high volumes of calls at the moment, but it’s worth the wait.

EN: You’re so right. Well, that was a good day’s work, doctor.

CW: Yes and my fully electric car should be completely charged by now. With the clean-car rebate it’s surprisingly affordable. Nurse? What’s the matter?

EN: It’s just . . . after a full day in surgery I’m just so wound up. CW: Then come back to my place with me. I think I know a way to help you relax.

EN: You mean?

CW: Yes, it’s my two-hour talk on why the Three Waters scheme is a misunderstood but crucial contribution to New Zealand’s sustainable future. I even have slides.

EN: The perfect end to a perfect day.

CW: I think this could be the start of a beautiful relationship.