Education without teachers
Education Minister Hekia Parata, welcome. Kia ora. Hello? Are you there? Is your webcam on? Coo-ee! Hello? Can you hear me? I can just see the top of your head. Can you see me now? Loud and clear. Hooray! Isn’t technology wonderful?
Speaking of technology, Minister, you announced this week that instead of attending actual schools, children will now be able to learn online.
Yes, in Communities Of Online Learning or, as we like to call them, COOLs.
Be honest, you came with ‘‘COOLs’’ first and just made everything else up to fit it, didn’t you?
No no, my first choice was Synthetic Teacherless Oases Of Learning but then someone at the Ministry pointed out that for testing purposes we’d have to have STOOL samples.
Right. No teachers then, in these ‘‘COOLs’’?
Since when have ‘‘teachers’’ gone with ‘‘cool?’’ Am I right boys and girls? Yes, but – All in all, they’re just another brick in the wall, hey kids?
But if you don’t have teachers, how will you ensure that young people at ‘‘COOLs’’ will be inspired to learn and won’t be distracted by other online content? Colour Bomb! Woohoo! Sorry? Pardon? Minister? Are you playing Candy Crush?
No…
Are what about PE? Will ‘‘COOLs’’ have regular physical education classes?
We’re looking at an exciting new development that will encourage children in COOLs to get out and get active.
What is this exciting new development? It’s called Pokemon Go. OK. But what about kids that aren’t into Pokemon Go?
They will be when they see what we’ve done with our private incentive partners to determine a number of Pokestops that kiddies will be extra keen to get to.
Your private incentive partners?
KFC, McDonalds, Burger King. Gotta catch ‘em all!
What about the research that shows students not only benefit academically from being taught together but also gain valuable social skills?
That’s all covered! Each student will be issued with a pair of virtual reality goggles - Won’t that be expensive? Oh no, with our easy-debit 156-month payment plan parents will hardly notice. But if you’ll just let me finish, with VR goggles students will be able to look around and see other students, just like them, all learning together. In what looks like a school? Exactly. While the real school can be bull-dozed and subdivided to fix the housing crisis. Did you say ‘‘crisis’’? No I said ‘‘opportunity’’. The point is we intend to simulate in real time the perfect classroom. Except without teachers. As I say, the perfect classroom. And it should make standardised testing easier too.
It’s a dream come true! You don’t get more standardised than thousands of children typing away at thousands of computers. Anyway I must cut you off, I have a Trade Me auction closing. What are you buying? Not buying, selling! Desks, chairs, whiteboards, a nation’s educational future – it’s all up for grabs! Minister Hekia Parata – You’ve still got time for a Buy Now!
Thank you and good day.