More men looking for help
In the second of a four-part series looking into New Zealand’s family violence epidemic, talks to a social worker who is helping men deal with their anger.
ATaranaki social worker thinks if New Zealand really wants to tackle its problem with abuse within families, it needs to undergo a seismic shift in thinking. ‘‘We’d have to turn our society upside down,’’ David Younger says, and focus less on money and spending it and more on caring and nurturing others.
‘‘If those were the core values of society, then I think we could.’’
But instead, New Zealand has the worst rate of family violence in the developed world, a blight which claims the lives of 28 people, on average, each year.
Part of Younger’s work involves talking with men referred to the Aspire Men’s Project run by Taranaki Women’s Refuge.
They are men who have admitted to physically hurting their partners, causing damage to property or being verbally abusive.
Often when they talk to Younger about what they have done, they do feel bad and know it should not have happened.
He says the problem is ‘‘complex’’ and there is a spectrum of experiences of family violence, from both the perspective of victims and the abusers.
At one extreme it involves people like Clayton Weatherston, convicted of murdering his former partner by stabbing her more than 200 times, to men who admit they struggle to manage their anger or frustration.
‘‘The continuum of abuse is a very big one,’’ Younger says.
His comments on the complexity of the family violence picture are backed up by results from the Dunedin study, which has closely followed the lives of 1000 people born in the city since the year ending March 1973.
Analysis of the data collected outlined how violence in relationships was evenly split between men and women, which is at odds with the international view of partner abuse being a gendered pattern of behaviour.
Many of the men Younger sees on a regular basis are putting their hand up for help.
‘‘They’re saying ‘hey, I’m not happy with my behaviour and I want to change’.’’
While their life stressors and experiences are all different, Younger says there is a common thread.
‘‘Generally there’s been abuse in their past. They’ve had abusive families.’’ And more often than not, no-one intervened to stop it.
If you are in immediate danger, dial 111 and ask for police
If you are worried about a child or young person, call Oranga Tamariki/ Ministry for Children on 0508 326 459.
The toll-free Family Violence Information Line 0800 456 450 provides information and connects people to services
Younger says the growing community awareness of the problem has helped break the mentality that what happens in the home should be kept private or is ‘‘just a domestic’’.
But he has a caution for society as well.
He says we need to resist labelling men, particularly
those who have admitted they have a problem with anger or violence.
‘‘It’s not constructive for change to blame, label and demean people.’’
Younger says of the men he works with, the majority are motivated to change as they don’t want their children to be ‘‘like them’’.
‘‘A lot of it is about helping them be better fathers and partners.’’