United? You’ll survive
Renovations can put huge stress on your marriage. investigates how to stop it falling apart.
Home improvement is a boom industry but it might have an unexpected casualty – your marriage.
Experienced divorce lawyer Jeremy Sutton, says the cases where couples are facing financial issues (about 50 per cent of his workload), over-spending on home renovations takes up a substantial portion.
And it’s increasing. ‘‘Traditionally it’s been easy for people to borrow money for their dream renovation. They’re seeing it on TV. I see it all the time, people want to live in this wonderful house, but then realise they can’t afford to do it.
‘‘They have a huge mortgage as a result of the renovation and trouble servicing it. Resentment builds because of the financial difficulties,’’ Sutton says.
Homeowners taking on larger ambitious projects but not attaining code of compliance (COC) is a big factor in divorce proceedings. ‘‘They want a clean break, but without the COC it’s not possible. This adds to more friction, anger and resentment,’’ he says. ‘‘They can’t sell the home until the work is done properly.’’
Homes held in family trust or owned by one party before the marriage – and where the nonowner has no recognition for their time and money spent renovating – can also be a trigger for marital strife, Sutton says.
‘‘It could be that the non-owner does a lot of work on the home, renovating the bathroom, painting, upgrading the kitchen, but this is unpaid work, and therefore unrecognised.
‘‘It’s hard to value that and it builds resentment. Only one party has an interest in that property which is increasing in value. It’s the same with someone project managing something, organising all the contractors and subcontractors. They are not being paid a wage for the hours they’ve put in during their days, nights and weekends.’’
A counsellor who specialises in relationships, Waikato’s Bryce Diprose, says before you start the renovation process, important conversations need to be had. ‘‘What are your dreams around the completed renovation? Discuss them with the other partner. What do you want to achieve and how achievable is it with the finances available?’’ Diprose asks.
Once the plans are in progress he says open, calm communication is vital to avoid a separation. ‘‘Listen to each other without interrupting. Hear each other’s concerns and validate the others concerns. Just because you don’t have these concerns don’t mean they are not the other person’s reality,’’ he says.
Occasionally take a break from the renovation. ‘‘Getting away helps to allow time to relate to each other,’’ Diprose says. And keep tabs on your stress levels. ‘‘Be aware of diet, sleep and exercise and listen to your body as the body keeps the score. If you are carrying tension, don’t just ignore it,’’ he suggests.
Husband and wife, Alice and Caleb Pearson, winners of The Block NZ 2013, have successfully renovated six homes, kept their marriage intact, and are raising two small children, Alec, 3, and Mika, almost 2.
How, you may ask? They have a few rules. Number one, negotiate. ‘‘It’s working out what is really important for you,’’ Alice says. ‘‘Communicate things you really don’t want to compromise on. For me it is colour. I want full authority to put on whatever colour I want.’’
Alongside this, be open to compromise once the renovation begins. ‘‘You can get a couple of wins, but you have to roll with the punches and be willing to meet the budget or programme you have set,’’ Alice says.
Prepare thoroughly financially even before the first swing of a hammer. ‘‘You can’t walk into a renovation and say, ‘We’re going to spend 80k here.’ If you find the house needs to be rewired and the bathroom has a leak, it’s going to blow your budget. You’re going to get frustrated and disappointed.
‘‘We get quotes for everything. There will always be surprises, but not huge surprises, then we set the budget.
‘‘Finances are always going to be a soft spot in a marriage. The more you’re prepared, the better it will be. If you spend more somewhere then you have to save money elsewhere. This takes time and investment to figure out how to recoup costs.’’
Try to remove your relationship from the project. ‘‘We talk about the house, the budget and try not to bring anything else in. Think, is this an issue with the renovation?’’ Alice says.
Finally, expect the worst. ‘‘Don’t set yourself up for massive disappointment. There is an element of renovating where the house has control. You have to work within the boundaries of the house and not take these frustrations out on one another.’’