Boyfriend renovations will always end in tears

women share that need for validation – and it drives us to do crazy things.

It’s not a uniquely female problem. I know men who tie being in a relationship to their self-worth. But there’s an especially nasty aura of shame around being that single woman.

But the second part of the equation, the DIY boyfriend project, certainly is a female hobby.

I’ve seen it time and again when bright, ambitious young women divert so much energy into organising their boyfriends. We take on the responsibility of mumager – part-mother, partmanager and all-round fixer-upper – doing everything for our partner.

This makes it sound as though we young women have it all sorted out and the dudes have all the independence and intelligence of gummybears. It’s not supposed to. (Although there is still a lot to be done in teaching men how to do chores.)

Both women and men in their 20s are equally confused about life. We girls just seem to deal with it by managing our boyfriends.

When I was playing the mumager role, I knew I was diverting huge amounts of effort into developing him. It left me with no time or mental space to develop myself. And that’s ultimately what I wanted, because I was terrified of thinking about my future. I had no idea how to be a success. No idea how to have goals. No idea how to fulfil that mysterious ‘‘potential’’.

The overwhelming mess of my future stretched out before me. So instead of focusing on how to attack it, I focused my energies on his sock drawer.

That’s not to mention a whole other lot of powerful external forces that push us into mumagers. Women are still raised and trained by society to nurture people and, if you don’t, then you’re a bad woman. And it’s very easy to do something you’re well practised at, rather than tackle something unknown like your future. Or the unfortunate fact that there are a lot of neanderthal men out there who expect their girlfriends to soothe, support and manage them. Then chuck in the ever-present fear of being alone and human desire to be helpful . . . It took me a long time (and two breakdowns) to realise how damaging it is to approach your relationships this way. There is nothing more soul-eroding than running from your dreams by renovating someone else’s.