Take care when you swipe right

Ihave worked for a long time at our local sexual assault service, as one of a team of medical forensic examiners. Over the past few years particularly, I have heard many stories from patients who have experienced sexual harm as a result of an online dating experience that went wrong.

These reports range from a night out with a few drinks on board, at the end of which sexual contact happens without consent, to other episodes of sexual harm, involving physical violence, intimidation and other types of abuse.

All of these are extremely frightening and traumatising for the victims, and all have occurred as a result of a ‘‘date’’ that should have been fun.

I’m not trying to suggest that everyone who uses Tinder or FindSomeone is either a predator or a victim, but I am saying that the cyber world of ‘‘hook-ups’’ has created a huge opportunity for potential offenders.

And there is often little warning that something is amiss until it is too late.

I don’t intend to put you off ‘‘swiping right’’, it can be an amazing way to meet your match.

But I would love to think that if online dating is something you are thinking about, or already doing, you are aware of the potential risks, and follow these basic steps to protect yourself.

Firstly, and probably most importantly, if something doesn’t feel quite right, then it almost always isn’t.

If you can’t put your finger on it, but have an uneasy feeling – whether it’s while you’re chatting online or when you walk into the cafe to meet up – listen to your gut and bail out. Secondly, protect your identity at all costs. People can appear however they like online – charming, witty, attractive, smart, financially stable, single, looking for commitment... the reality may be the polar opposite.

Do you really want someone who is boring, needy, married and broke, knowing who you are, what your phone number is and where you live, work or socialise?

They could be someone who may effectively be able to stalk you for years to come if they choose to.

If the answer is no, then don’t hand over any personal details until you have met them. If you want to know what information people can access about you before you meet, try Googling yourself – it’s a bit of an eye-opener. This is your information, so keep it safe.

Never meet for the first (or even the second) time at someone’s place. There is safety in being around others.

I’d also suggest meeting somewhere a little distance from your ‘‘hood’’ so they can’t find you again easily if it doesn’t work out.

Cafes, bars or restaurants are all good bets, but I’d choose somewhere that does fast snacks, rather than fine dining, so you don’t end up stuck with seven degustation courses if they happen to be the most boring person you’ve ever come across.

Don’t drink too much. Alcohol loosens your inhibitions, and you are more likely to make rash decisions. It also reduces your ability to read ‘‘danger signals’’.

Stick to one or two drinks – if the relationship blossoms, there will be plenty of time in the future to share a bottle or two of wine together.

On this note, to be ultra-safe make sure you look after your own drink at all times.

We know that drinks can be spiked with either extra alcohol, or other drugs, with the intention of lowering your ability to consent, so keep yours with you, and buy your own.

Make your own way there and home again – on a first date, you want the independence of knowing that you can leave when and how you want to. Drive yourself, get a friend to transport you, or use the bus… but don’t accept a lift from your date.

Lastly, and obviously, tell your mates where you

are and who you are meeting.

Check in with them halfway through the night so they know you are OK.

Get a ‘‘safe word’’ that you can quickly text them to let them know it’s going well, and if they don’t hear from you they know to come looking. After all, you would do the same for them, I’m sure.

If you have experienced sexual harm ever, or are worried about someone who has, visit safetotalk.nz or find your local sexual assault medical service on saats-link.nz

If you want to know what information people can access about you before you meet, try Googling yourself – it’s a bit of an eyeopener. This is your information, so keep it safe.