Men humiliating men for fun is harassment

I’ve started asking my guy mates about what it was like growing up male in New Zealand. I started doing it after two separate mates from all-boys’ schools told me quite casually that, at 16, they went to brothels to lose their virginity because they were bullied so much at school for being virgins.

I’d never thought about growing up as a guy before then. I’d never really considered how boys treat other boys. But after the chillingly casual conversation, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. And since I’m always banging on about how people should be more empathetic to what it’s like growing up female, I figured I needed to do the same for guys.

So I started pinning down passing males and asking them what it’s like.

What do boys do in those strange, male-male moments which I’ve only ever glimpsed when walking past rugby clubs and skate parks? Do you, I don’t know, swap fishing videos? Do you talk about sex? Do you give each other neck massages while inhaling the sweet smell of Old Spice and complimenting each other on their trap muscles? What happens?

Most of the conversations I had involve the usual hallmarks of being young: lots of grunting, gaming and not talking about your feelings. Then there’s the darker side of burgeoning masculinity, the part that society sweeps away with ‘‘Oh, boys will be boys’’. The stories like intense bullying, being beaten up for no reason, and such burning virgin-shaming you head to a brothel.

But the really alarming stories were of what guys get up to in groups. Especially when they’re drunk. The more I have these conversations, the more the same stories repeated themselves – especially with boys from all-boys’ schools.

Stories of what happens when a group of drunk ‘‘ladz’’ get together. Stories like ‘‘games’’ where guys will randomly grab your testicles when you’re not paying attention. Or someone passing out drunk, and the other guys peeing on their face and filming it. Again, for laughs.

Or someone passing out drunk, and other guys getting naked and filming themselves . . . well look, a lot of the stories basically involve someone being vulnerable, and other dudes exploiting this and doing things that, if done to an unconscious woman, they’d be looking at sexual assault charges.

And yet guys just grimace and say, ‘‘It’s guys being guys.’’

Now, I’m not suggesting hazing and sexually tinged power trips are something that all boys do growing up. It’s certainly behaviour popularised among jocks and ladz. But what’s crucial is that it’s mainstream enough for it to be common and accepted among most guys – in fact, it’s either happened to them or a mate. Research from the United States shows that boys experience high levels of sexual harassment in middle and high schools, and that it stems from other boys ‘‘performing hegemonic masculinity’’. Aka ladz culture.

So just what is going on here? Of course girls can be mean to each other – I’ve had my share of lesbian rumours spread about me. But we don’t gather in packs waiting until someone passes out drunk before ritually humiliating them and filming it. If someone was passed out drunk at a party we’d likely put them in the recovery position – or at least step over them politely.

I’m not suggesting that girls are inherently nicer than boys. What I’m asking is how are we raising boys to think that behaviour like this is male bonding? Or even just acceptable behaviour to another human? Is this what happens when our attitude to raising men is to shrug, ‘‘boys will be boys’’?

Because while this is awful enough in itself, it’s not as though this behaviour stops here. Sure, it’s probably less acceptable to do at someone’s 40th than it is at someone’s 16th. But you just have to look at rates of sexual harassment in the workplace to see the same instances of sex and power being used over others.

I’m not even just talking about women being harassed. Recent research out of Australia shows that one in four men have been sexually harassed in the workplace, and that four out of five harassers are men. Clearly men are sexually harassing other men – as #metoo stories such as Terry Crews’ show.

I’ll admit that, before I started having these conversations, I would have said it was worse to grow up as a girl in New Zealand. But while girls go through crap, at least I’ve never had to worry about going out and waking up the next day to see my humiliation being immortalised on Snapchat.

The really alarming stories were of what guys get up to in groups. Especially when they’re drunk.