You can never get bored

Something was in my mailbox – a small sample of fake-wood plastic with a sticker that said ‘‘Vinyl weatherboard cladding. Never paint again. Maintenance-Free. Won’t rot, peel, dent, or split!’’ And I thought, ‘‘Pfff, who would ever clad their house in vinyl?’’ So I threw the sample into the greens bin.

Then I remembered it was fake wood, so I took it out and threw it in the recyclable bin. Then I wondered if vinyl was recyclable, so I took it out and threw it in general rubbish. I struggle with bins. It’s hard.

But that vinyl cladding sample really got into my head. It made me wonder: why would anyone want to re-clad a beautiful authentic all-wood weatherboard house?

I mean, that’s why we choose to live in them: because they’re quaint and natural and imbued with old-world charm.

There are so many great things about living in an allwood weatherboard house. For one, the structure is very flexible – literally. The walls expand in the heat and contract in the cold, so it’s like living inside an enormous emphysemic lung.

In the hot months, you get a whole extra bedroom and a family entertainment haven. Then in winter, you have to cook in the bathroom. You never get bored in a weatherboard.

So much to love about weatherboard houses! Like how the weatherboards are made from thin pieces of cheap timber, so you can put your finger through them if they get a bit wet, or damp, or even if someone breathes directly on them and condensation forms.

Sometimes, on rainy days, I go outside and poke my finger through the living room wall and do a little finger-puppet show for everyone inside. You can’t do that with a brick house. You’ll break a nail.

Sorry, but I’m going to keep waxing lyrical about all-wood weatherboard houses – just try and stop me!

I also love how the boards are always falling off or disintegrating, and then gusts of air