Avoid Christmas burnout
As sad as I was to read that the late Pua Magasiva had been violent and abusive towards his wife Lizz, I am so pleased that she found the courage to speak out. Her incredibly brave words will hopefully enable others to do the same and will be a step towards ending the silence, secrecy and shame that has surrounded partner violence for far too long.
We have the most awful statistics when it comes to abuse and violence in relationships. In fact, we are among the world’s ‘‘leaders’’.
In Aotearoa:
■ One in three women will experience violence at the hands of a partner at some point in their lives; this is even more prevalent for Ma¯ ori women.
■ One in two women will experience emotional or psychological abuse – this can include coercion; threats of harm to them, their children, or pets; intentional isolation; financial or other types of control.
■ Between 2009 and 2015, 92 people died as a result of partner violence – that is an average of 15 people a year.
■ Over half of men who abuse their partners will also be abusing their children.
■ Partner violence is three times more common than diabetes, yet, for some reason, we seldom talk about it, which to my mind only accentuates the sense of secrecy and shame that victims often feel.
■ During pregnancy, violence is more common than high blood pressure, sexually transmitted infections and diabetes combined.
■ Partner violence costs us an estimated $8.2 billion a year.
■ In 2016, there were 118,910 police investigations into family violence and yet we know this is only the tip of a very large iceberg – most victims don’t disclose to anyone, ever.
■ In this same year, Women’s Refuge received around 140 crisis calls a day, and helped more than 26,000 women and children to access services.
Partner abuse can affect anyone – education, financial status, ethnicity, employment status, sexuality and fame aren’t protective.
We also know that partner violence isn’t a solely gendered issue – although the perpetrators of violence are far more likely to be men, this isn’t always the case. Men can suffer abuse at the hands of their partners as well, and women can be abusers.
Sometimes I think it is hard for those of us who are in supportive, non-violent relationships to understand why someone would stay with a partner who abused them – but there are many, very real reasons why people make this choice:
Fear: The abusive partner will often threaten to escalate the violence if they leave and may threaten to harm the children. This fear is very real – the most dangerous time for women and children is immediately after they have left an abusive relationship.
Low self-esteem: Repeated abuse leads to loss of self-esteem, confidence and independence – and renders decision-making very difficult.
Belief that the abuse is normal: They think they ‘‘deserve’’ it and the abuser is in the right.
Financial dependence: The abuser frequently holds the purse-strings, making it financially very difficult to leave the relationship.
Cultural or religious reasons: In many sectors, separation and divorce are not considered a viable option.
Dependence: Women who are being abused often lose their friends, peers and family and become increasingly dependent on their partner; they may feel they have nowhere to go and no-one to turn to for help.
Love: Abused women often still love their partner, and desperately want to believe that they will change the abusive behaviour and, indeed, with the right help and support, this can be possible.
Clearly, there is no simple fix, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t keep trying.
The courage illustrated by Lizz Sadler, and many others like her, needs to be applauded – and we need to take the opportunity their courage gives us to continue these very hard, important conversations.
These are conversations that we need to have as a nation, but also ones that we can have at an individual level. As uncomfortable as it can be, if
we don’t ask the questions, we are very unlikely to get any answers.
So I implore you, if you see someone, anyone – whether it be a family member, best friend or neighbour – you are worried about in any way, please don’t perpetuate the silence. By simply and sensitively asking ‘‘Is everything OK?’’, or ‘‘I’m worried about you, would you like to talk?’’, you might just give them the space to speak out.
The statistics show us that every single one of us will know multiple people living in relationships that are abusive, so please don’t be the person that turns a blind eye.
If someone does talk to you about their abuse, you don’t have to find the solution for them and, indeed, they may not want you to. They may not be ready, now or ever, to leave the relationship, but you can give them a safe space and opportunity to talk – and can point them in the direction of specialist services that can advise them, when and if the time is right for them to leave.
As Magasiva’s wife points out, she loved him and didn’t want to leave him – she wanted their marriage to work, but I am sure she also wanted to be safe, and for her child to grow up without witnessing the violence. Perhaps if someone had asked her the question, she might have been able to get the help and support they needed as a family to enable this to happen.
Women’s Refuge is the first point of call for many women in this situation. This incredible organisation supports women and children all over Aotearoa, by providing 24/7 help, advice and advocacy via 0800 REFUGE.
It also provides safe housing for those who need to leave – these shelters provide emergency accommodation for women and children who are escaping violence and, for just $20, you can assist by funding a night there (safenight.nz).
This Christmas, I bought a night on behalf of each of my kids, who are lucky enough to be living a life without violence or fear, and, hopefully, this small gesture will make a difference to someone not as fortunate as us.
As well as supporting the services for women and children, part of the solution has to be around getting support for the men involved in this too – many men, who have often been victims of abuse themselves, do want to stop the behaviour, but don’t know where to start.
Living Without Violence programmes exist around the country, though I am sure could do with a lot more visibility and funding, and they are a crucial part of this conversation.
By breaking the often inter-generational cycle of abuse, we can ensure that all our kids grow up with different expectations of relationships to those many have now and, hopefully, in the future, we will be proud of how New Zealand talks about and addresses this awful type of violence.
For a list of ending violence programmes around the country, visit: justice.govt.nz/assets/Documents/ Publications/fv-public-register-20191216.pdf To contact Women’s Refuge, call the crisis line on 0800 REFUGE (0800 733 843), or confidentially visit: womensrefuge.org.nz