All royal hands to the pump

Harry and Meghan’s conscious uncoupling from the royal family couldn’t have come at a worse time. As the world faces its coronavirus crisis, it needs all royal hands to the pump to give a panicked world a welcome distraction.

The royal family might be known as ‘‘the Firm’’, but it is a family, and royal watchers like to take comfort from seeing how that family copes with the new norm of Covid-19 as they meet and greet their public.

The Queen and Prince Philip, not to mention Charles, fall into the age bracket which would make them vulnerable if they contracted the virus, so it will be left to Wills and Kate to perform the bulk of public appearances.

(Incidentally, have you noticed how thin Kate has become? She has always had the hips of a racing sardine but, of late, she looks like the proverbial yard of pump water. How she pushed those three kiddies out, beats me).

Perhaps the Queen should do the royals and the world a favour and send Prince Andrew out on a full-on tour of handshakes and hugs among the worstafflicted. To atone for his

If Andrew sins, he might volunteer to

accompany the Italian

contracted the

Catholic priests who have

virus, he could been ordered by the Pope to

visit those afflicted with the

be awarded the

virus.

title Andy Will the visiting clergy

be allowed to suit up and

Pandy . . . wear face masks, goggles, gloves, etc? Or are they expected to go forth into the valley of death with just their dog collars to divinely protect them as they spread the virus from home to home?

If Andrew contracted the virus, he could be awarded the title Andy Pandy (pandemic) and it would show that even a member of the royal family is not immune. Remember in 1940 when a Luftwaffe bomber strafed Buckingham Palace? The bombing produced the utterance from the late Queen Mother that she was pleased because it meant she could look the heavily bombed East End in the face.

At a time when we dread turning the radio on in the morning because of the bad news it brings, we look for upsides to the virus. One good thing to come out of it will be the disappearance of malingerers and those who enjoy ill health. You know the type, never missing an opportunity to sally forth with volleys of loud and proud respiratory pipe-cracking coughs to show how terribly sick they are?

What do these wretches want from these chestrattling performance pieces? A round of applause? Now that the prime minister has told people with runny noses, sniffles and coughs to stay home, this decree will put paid to them.

And what about those louses who put one finger over a nostril to block it as they shoot mucus on to the ground? To use a favourite expression of my grandfather – they should be taken out at dawn and shot on an empty stomach.

I have witnessed someone perform this bugspreading, antisocial act and felt my gorge rise as I watched a barefooted person walk into the area where the pile of snot had landed.

As for nose-picking, as I drive around in my tiny car with my tiny mind, I have noticed a sharp decrease in nose-picking at the lights. I don’t know why people feel compelled to dive deeply into their nostrils while driving, but they do.

And don’t start me on people who constantly sniff and won’t use a tissue. Two words – selfisolate.

Psalm 1:1