Sport for the self-isolated

Being stuck at home doesn’t mean you can’t exercise. Kevin Norquay takes a tongue-incheek look at the options.

You’re prowling the lounge like an angstridden tiger; the lack of sport is driving you up the wall, the news depressing to watch, Netflix keeps freezing with the internet overwhelmed by self-isolationists. You have to get out and do something energetic. But what?

Word from the Beehive is you can still get out for a walk, so surely a run, bike ride or mountain climbing is OK? Isolation is the key, staying two metres away from others, keeping interaction to a minimum, and wash your hands when you get home.

Hikers, hunters, mountain bikers and other outdoor enthusiasts are being asked to stay home while high-level coronavirus restrictions are in place.

The Government has said people can get outside and get some fresh air while the level 4 restrictions – which ask people to stay at home – are in place.

So, exercise on your own, while self-isolated, social distanced and without raising community ire, even if organised sport has been crippled by coronavirus. But if in doubt, don’t go out.

Ocean swimming

By ‘‘ocean’’, we mean large bodies of water, as public pools are closed. Oceans are best, as people get annoyed if you jump into their drinking water. Most of us have access to water, and togs, so easy peasy.

Cons: Some beaches can be dodgy, so you might need a surf lifesaver, or at worst emergency services. That would be bad. Also, there are sharks, eels, rips, cruise ships, skinny dippers and sand hoppers.

Rounders

Buy one of those sticks you can put a baseball on top of, and belt balls across the lawn. This works best if you have a bat, a stick and a golden retriever, or a brainy dog with boundless ball-fetching energy.

Cons: Without a dog, this is possibly more dull than sitting in the lounge wishing there was something good on TV. And you need a bat.

Penalty shootout

Useful, if you happen to be in the England football team, who are notoriously bad at penalties.

This is simply blasting a football into a net, rubbish bin, fence, window (less ideal) or garage door. Get a family member to be goalie. Family members aged 5 and under are best, as usually they are unable to prevent the goal.

Cons: Upset family member, and other parent. Risk of broken window.

Running

Some regard this as really, really boring. How so, when you could pass out at any second, be attacked by a dog, trip over a kerb, or get flattened by a car or cyclist? Where’s the boring in that? Also, you can play, ‘‘Have I got the energy left to get back home?’’ It’s even more exciting in Wellington, where the wind can come out of nowhere and flatten you.

Cons: You’ll need running shoes, a body suited to running, and non-chafing clothing.

Cycling

Be cool. Wear Lycra, hit the road and get fit all at the same time. But with cafes now closed, you won’t be able to flaunt your bodily assets so freely in public. Cycling is much easier on the body than running.

Angry motorists can be an issue. Tell them they should be at home.

Cons: If you don’t already have a bike, you may have left it too late. Bike shops are not generally regarded as essential services.

Rock climbing

Unless you have a climbing wall, or a mountain range on your property, this is a nonstarter. Climbing walls have little hand grips, and who knows how often they have been sanitised?

Cons: Rockfalls, people falls, getting stranded or lost, broken bones. If you like any of those, grab your rope and crampons and take to the hills.

Skateboarding

A good option, now the streets are near empty. Not only that, but abandoned boards can be easily found, often beside prone skateboarders. They can double as public transport, and there are fewer people around to be annoyed by the clanking and crashing skateboards make, as their riders try to do tricks.

Cons: Falling off is a bit of a downer. Health stats indicate broken wrists are common, as are broken noses and jaws. Concussion too. Hospitals might not welcome thrillseekers with self-inflicted injuries.

Kayaking

One of those sports that looks easy until you try it. Ecologically it’s superb, and it gives you great upper body muscles, which might be useful were dating not so difficult in this ‘‘can’t go out’’ age. For the amateur, kayaking is little more than getting soaked and cold, while flailing around in the same spot.

Cons: The cold, the wet, and all manner of maritime disasters.

Surfing

Perfect for the body, tan and fitness. Exhilarating as well, scooting down the front of a wave as it churns behind you. It’s a very rock’n’roll sport, with cleansing power in the salt water.

Cons: Not everyone has a surf beach right there, and those who do are often protective of their home patch. Waves can smash you into the ocean floor, or bust your board (if you even have one). Sharks have been known to chase surfies. Skin rash is an occupational hazard.

Ruled out by weather:

Skiing, snowboarding.

Similar to activities listed:

Tramping, triathlon, roller blading, paddle boarding.

Hmmm, looking at this lineup, maybe it’s safer to heed Jacinda Ardern’s advice and simply stay home.