Now up steps Barrett to convert Silver Lake to gold

Welcome back to Eden Park, where the Silver Lake All Blacks today put paid to worries that their new part-owners would aggressively exploit the brand for commercial gain to the detriment of the game, as Italy were trounced 28-0 in an encounter that acting captain Sam Whitelock described as ‘‘more satisfying than a mighty KFC Quarter Pack . . . mmm, now that’s good’’.

Let’s quickly recap, and the refreshingly upbeat tone for the encounter was set early with the singing of the national anthem by the Briscoes Lady, who added a third verse extolling the virtues of this week’s small appliance specials and ended by swapping out ‘‘God Defend New Zealand’’ with ‘‘You Will Never Buy Better’’.

The Silver Lake All Blacks then faced down the Italian visitors with a version of Kapa O Pango completely unchanged from previous performances – which, according to an unnamed source within Rugby New Zealand ‘‘was a deliberate move out of respect, obviously, but also you don’t want to touch that thing, it’s your golden goose right there’’.

Kickoff having being decided by the tossing of a bitcoin, two minutes into the match an Italian kick that failed to find touch was seized upon by the explosive Caleb Clarke, sprinting down the wing for a diving try into Warehouse Corner, where everyone gets a bargain.

A surefooted Jordie Barrett edged the trickily angled conversion right through the centre of the newlook goalposts in the form of inverted McDonald’s arches.

From then on the home team dominated the match, with the Silver Lake All Blacks scrum being in what coach Ian Foster described as ‘‘the sort of complete control I’ve come to expect on any surface from Subaru’s class-leading four-wheeldrive’’.

The team quickly racked up a further three converted tries, each of which was celebrated on the sidelines by the team’s new mascot, Paul Ego, in a Pak ’n Save stickman suit.

The only sour note was when a rare bad call by the referee was met by chorus of ‘‘Should’ve gone to Specsavers’’ from the stands, which was quickly closed down.

A tweet from Rugby New Zealand immediately after the match has denounced the action of a ‘‘small section of the crowd’’ in mentioning the company, noting that Specsavers was not a current branding partner, although the door remained open for a discussion with any retail optometrist.

A spokesman for Silver Lake described the match as ‘‘excellent’’ and when questioned as to whether increased commercial exploitation could damage the All Blacks’ legacy, added only ‘‘release the hounds’’. And several spectators spoken to by Stuff reported they enjoyed the newlook trans-Tasman clash, one commenting that ‘‘after a while you even stopped noticing that the All Blacks were wearing bright orange Jetstar uniforms’’.

Be sure to watch next week as the excitement continues, with the Silver Lake All Blacks in a multicode clash against a hand-picked lineup of Silver Ferns, shot-putters Jacko Gill and Tom Walsh, mixed martial arts fighter Israel Adesanya and the judges from because money.