We need to talk about Kevin’s return to cool
After decades in darkness, the despised name Kevin is making a comeback, so just watch your steps cool boys Lucas, Ryan, Matthew and Nick.
Times have changed; two Kevins have just been elected in France for Marine Le Pen’s National Rally, prompting newspaper columns on a cultural sea change.
In France, Kevin is (was) a redneck name. A 2015 study by France’s Discrimination Observatory found a Kevin had a 10%-30% lower chance of being hired than an Artur/Arthur.
A decade ago, German psychologists at Humboldt University in Berlin detected the curse of Kevin, by testing how often 47,000 dating site members opened messages from English-sounding suitors.
‘‘Single people would seem to prefer to remain alone than meet up with someone called Kevin,’’ study leader Jochen Gebauer said, with emails from Alexanders being clicked on 102% more.
Unless you are a Kevin, it may have escaped you that in England the name is code for lower class (think bogan) and even that is the global high point for Kevs (with the exception of Ireland).
In Germany there is a trend called ‘‘Kevinism’’. It is a term about as attractive as other ‘‘isms’’ such as fascism, hedonism and narcissism, causing Kevin to be regarded as a sneer-appropriate name.
German university researchers found teachers considered a student called Kevin more ‘‘prone to attention-seeking behaviour’’, as well as lower scholastic performance.
The name was also indicative of lower socio-economic status.
In the United States, a Kevin is a whining, moaning, self-entitled white moron (he wrote cautiously, attempting a non-whining, nonmoaning, brainy vibe). Twitter has a hashtag #kevinsgonewild.
In the 2006 Lionel Shriver novel, We Need to Talk About Kevin, the Kevin in question was a murderous psychopath.
Reddit has a StoriesAboutKevin thread with 194,000 members.
‘‘A Kevin is someone who consistently or greatly shows a complete lack of intelligence through incompetence of social and societal norms, or is purposefully antagonistic in their poor decisionmaking,’’ followers are told.
No surprises then that for four decades I have been betraying my given name, with ‘‘Kevin’’ running a distant fourth to Norks, Kev and Kevvo.
Yes, even Norks is preferred. For those not well versed in Australian high culture, here is a definition: Norks: noun. Australian slang, female breasts. An Australian colleague once had her mother ask after me: ‘‘And how is your Kiwi friend umm . . . Boobs?’’
On dating app Tinder, Lucas, Ryan, Matthew, Nick, Josh, Brandon, Justin, Ben, Adam and Andrew have been found to be the 10 most right-swiped (apparently good).
Kevin? The least-attractive male name, followed by Justin, Marvin and Dennis.
But now is the hour of the Comeback Kevin, a resurgence in line with the name’s venerable past: St Kevin of Glendalough, born in the 5th century, meant ‘‘fair-begotten’’ or ‘‘of noble birth’’. So take that.
Patron saint of blackbirds, he was born into the royal line of the ancient Irish kingdom of Leinster and as a young man chose to become a hermit. Maybe he too had dating issues.
Isn’t that great, though? Selfeffacing, kind to animals (birds, even), such a nice person he was made a saint. Mind you, there is also a St Lucas, St Ryan (Rhian) and St Matthew, so they are good at Tinder as well as saintliness. As for St Nick, he is a yuletide superstar.
While a few Kevins have made it big (Costner, Kline and Bacon, footballers Keegan and De Bruyne, a few NBA players), there is one name change to Kevin that stands out. Jesus Christ Allin, a notorious US punk rocker, changed his name to Kevin Michael ‘‘GG’’Allin. His life did not work out so well subsequently; after forays into coprophilia (interest in excrement) and self-mutilation onstage, he overdosed at 37.
His post-Kevin name-change fate pretty much ruins my entire theme.
Dammit, if only my name did not consistently cause a complete lack of intelligence around societal norms, such as pithy column endings.
But let’s see you do better, Lucas.