Parliament might want you
Te¯ nā koe. Thank you for your application to become a parliamentary staffer. Due to high turnover, we have many vacancies. We are an equal opportunity employer – whatever part of Parliament you work in, you’ll be asking ‘‘why on earth did I leave my nice cushy job and come to this place’’?
Office of the Leader of the Opposition: This is a lovely office to work in but has very high turnover – of leaders. You will need good social media skills. Twitter is where it’s at or, in the case of the present Opposition leader, you’ll have to tweet where he isn’t at. You’ll also have to be good at prioritising.
Answer this question to see if you can prioritise correctly: A party official rings and tells you three things – (a) a candidate for a safe seat has revealed they were asked to leave a private school for violent bullying, (b) an anti-UN petition on your party’s website is referred to by a far-right terrorist, (c) a 21-year-old with health issues has been unemployed for more than a year. Your boss is really busy, so you can only alert him to one of these. If you chose (c) then you’re the employee for us. National are a close-knit team, but if anything goes wrong, rest assured, you’ll be taking one for it.
Office of a backbench MP: Some of these offices have high staff turnover – you’ll know which ones as we have installed revolving doors. Labour has a collegial atmosphere – King’s College circa 1999. There are so many Government backbench MPs that you will find it hard to remember who on earth they are and what they do, if anything. Don’t worry – the prime minister has the same problem. Be warned, if things go wrong, you may be thrown under a bus. But being Labour, it’s a very kind and cuddly bus.
You’ll carry out essential tasks like getting dry-cleaning and coffee, moving furniture and driving MPs home late at night if they drink too much. While some backbench MPs on both sides might shout that you’re doing a ‘‘crap job’’, if anyone bullies you we’ll take action – by offering you counselling, because basically it’s your problem.
If your backbench MP hands you a press release they’ve written, would you (a) correct the inevitable typos then circulate to all media, (b) discreetly place it in the rubbish bin and quickly let the whips and leader know, (c) act impressed and suggest that they would easily get elected as mayor of their city or town. If you answered (b) and (c) then the job’s yours.
Office of the ACT party: Our leader is a super-impressive guy riding high in the polls. He also performs well on television – when not in leotards. However, he also has nine colleagues. We can’t give you much information on them because they’ve never been seen or heard. Which is probably just as well. If an ACT MP who isn’t David Seymour appears on Parliament steps chatting to a TV news crew, do you: (a) stand in the background and approvingly nod at the MP’s call to slash government spending, (b) take all your clothes off and yell at the TV crew ‘‘over here, look at me’’, (c) tackle the MP out of camera shot and tell the crew that you both play in the parliamentary rugby team. If you answered (b) or (c), we’ll sign you up.
Office of the party whips: Are you kind and sensitive? Were you bullied at school? If so, could you send us the names and addressees of the bullies, and we’ll hire them immediately. If you used to be in the military, have more than six children or been deputy principal of a strict single-sex school then this job is for you.
Office of the Green Party: We have a few vacancies – for example, someone to stand against James Shaw so we don’t look total idiots after vetoing his re-election. We also lost our chief of staff recently, who is standing for mayor of Wellington as she wants a less stressful job. To work for the Greens you’ll have to be over major issues (using the right recycle bin in our kitchen, parking your cargo bike correctly, not throwing the caucus yoghurt bug into the rubbish) and a few others (child poverty, climate change, nuclear disarmament). Most party caucuses are divided into left/right or liberal/conservative factions but there are no factions in the Greens caucus. This is because every MP believes they would be the best leader.
Hopefully this will help you decide whether being a Parliament staffer is for you. However, if you don’t like the idea of long hours, lousy pay, high stress and little reward, you should apply for far more attractive jobs in Wellington, such as driving a bus or becoming a board member of Wellington Water.