Desperately seeking insight from debate

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the third and final presidential debate. Tonight our presidential candidates, the Democrat nominee Secretary of State Celery Hinton and Republican nominee Ronald Bumpf, will give you an insight into what we can expect from their administration should they win next month’s election.

My first question is for you, Mr Bumpf: You have so far failed to produce your tax returns, unlike any previous presidential candidate, and there is a suggestion you have paid no income tax in recent years. What do you say on this?

‘‘My tax returns are with the auditors and I can say here and now that when the audit is finished I will definitely and wholeheartedly publish those returns – provided they show I am due a refund.

‘‘I can assure you they will be the most beautiful tax returns ever published. I just love auditors.’’

Now I will turn to you, Mrs Hinton. It’s been revealed you used your private family server for official communications rather than official State Department email accounts. Can you explain this?

‘‘Thank you, Chris, I’m glad you brought this up. I can explain this quite simply. Because of security issues the State Department accounts have rather complicated passwords, which I could never remember. However, I never forget our family password, ‘Monica95’, which Bill and I have used for years. So that’s the simple explanation and one I am sure many people who have trouble remembering their passwords will understand.’’

Thank you. Now back to you, Mr Bumpf. A video has been released that people have said shows you denigrating and objectifying women. How do you respond to that?

‘‘First of all. No one. And I mean no one respects women more than I do. I love women. Why, my mother was a woman, for heaven’s sake, and I’m just sorry she doesn’t get as much credit for raising me as my father does. Mary was of Scottish ancestry and it’s from her that I get the parsimony that has enabled me to become a billionaire. She would never have paid contractors without a fight.

‘‘And the claims being made about that tape are rubbish. It was just locker room talk. I was only joking when I said I wanted to kidnap women’s cats. I would never grab their cat without their permission. I love women and I love cats. No one loves cats more than I do.’’

Mrs Hinton, your opponents claim you are in bed with the Establishment. You have received big campaign donations from large corporations and you are extremely well paid for speaking at black tie dinners. How do you square this with claiming to want to help the poor and disenfranchised?

‘‘First of all, Chris, I don’t get in bed with anyone but my husband, Bill. My record shows that. As for the large donations, well I can’t help it if people want to throw money at me because they see me as a better alternative for President than my opponent. Perhaps they prefer the colour of my hair.’’

Mr Bumpf, you have received the endorsement of the National Rifle Association and you say you are determined to protect the Second Amendment, which you say is under threat from your opponent. Would you like to clarify your position?

‘‘Certainly. Thank you, Chris, for giving me this opportunity to reiterate that I think every American should have a gun to keep them safe. Liberal lilywhites claim that more people are killed by toddlers in firearm accidents than are ever killed by terrorists. Well, all I can say is: have they ever profiled those toddlers? What religion were they? It’s all too easy for a child to have an accident with a gun if they get tangled up in a burqa.

‘‘All of our citizens should have the right to carry a gun – there a lot of bad hombres and nasty women out there. And you never know who they are and when you will encounter them.

‘‘Why, right now they could even be standing right next to you.’’