A perfect (but complicated) birthday gift and getting testy about age

‘‘You are too old!’’

Last week I rang the doctor. I wasn’t sick – I was feeling fine. A few weeks prior I received a letter telling me I was eligible for a free heart check from my doctor. The results would tell whether or not I was a likely candidate for a heart attack within the next five years. I felt fine so never made an appointment. Last week, on the spur of the moment, I decided to ring. It made sense to have this check-up – after all it was free! If the results were not geared in my favour they would suggest changes in my lifestyle which would deter the possibility of a heart attack.

Well, I would go along with that. I may be old but I can accept a change in lifestyle. I rang. A puzzled voice on the other end of the line answered me, ‘‘you are too old!’’

‘‘What do you mean? I have this letter here which says I get a free heart check.’’

‘‘I am sorry but your name must have slipped through the net! You are much too old!’’

I put down the phone, feeling slightly peeved. Were they suggesting that I was past the age when it was too late for remedial action to have any effect? Maybe they were suggesting the likelihood of me being on this planet in five years was rather slim! I’d show them! I was getting hot under the collar – not a good idea at my age! I’ll show them this old chook is not all feathers and fluff! I recently celebrated a birthday so I am rather sensitive about age. Offsider was at a loss on what to buy me for a present so gave me money to buy it myself. I came home with a new appliance. I had been looking at a certain machine for some time but decided it didn’t warrant me spending that much money. Well, a certain shop – which specialises in big discounts – came up with a whopping 60 per cent off. It was exactly the price of my birthday money! It was meant to be.

I came home proudly displaying my wonderful purchase. After reading all the instructions on its safety features I was totally amazed. No doubt about it, manufacturers these days have the consumer’s interests at heart! I followed the instructions to a tee but my wonderful machine would only burst into life for five seconds and then come to a grinding halt.

Over the next few days various people tried to get it working. No success. I am off to get technical advice from the shop. It’s not working, yet I am happy. Happy because I am not old!