Troubling test venues await for Black Caps

New Zealand’s mouth-watering three-test tour of Australia looks set to be contested in some kind of cricketing post-apocalyptic wasteland.

The series starts today in Perth, where the tourists will face blistering temperatures that threaten to turn them into padded-up pretzels before they head to Melbourne for the iconic ‘Boxing Day’ test.

At the MCG, it’s anyone’s guess what will await Kane Williamson’s men when they bat at a venue which had its most recent firstclass fixture abandoned because of an unsafe pitch that terrorised batsmen.

But they’re just the precursors to the climax in Sydney, where the Kiwis are poised to be greeted by ‘toxic’ smoke which makes even breathing difficult.

The impending scenario threatens to make the once-dreaded tours of the subcontinent in the 1960s seem like a dream holiday. Then, the only worries were diarrhoea, doctored pitches, baying crowds and biased umpiring.

The thermometer in Perth is predicted to move into the 40s over the first four days of the opening test as the Western Australian capital experiences a record-breaking heatwave.

Despite it being a day-night test, the visitors won’t get much respite from the heat as it’s still set to be warmer than 20degC at night. Added to that, the Black Caps will face a pink-ball under lights late in the day against an Australian side that has won every day-night test they’ve played and are chock-full of quick bowlers.

‘‘If you’re a fast bowler or batting in a helmet, for hopefully a long period of time, being in 40 [degrees] is like being in a sauna,’’ Australian coach Justin Langer said.

Goodness knows what awaits the New Zealanders in Melbourne.

The Sheffield Shield match at the MCG last week was abandoned when good-length deliveries from the fast bowlers were leaping off the pitch and striking batsmen in the helmet and chest.

Since then, there have been assurances dished out quicker than our trans-Tasman cousins change prime ministers that the pitch – a different, drop-in wicket – will be no worries for the second test. What’s possible is that it’ll be prepared in fear to the extent that it’ll be more lifeless than the two test pitches in New Zealand for the English series that came under fire from visiting journalists.

By the time Gary Stead’s battered and weary troops get to Sydney, they’re set to be confronted by smoke from constant bushfires that former test player Stephen O’Keefe on Tuesday said was ‘‘shocking’’.

‘‘I don’t have kids, but if I did they’d be locked up inside,’’ O’Keefe said after playing in the Shield match between New South Wales and Queensland.

The Air Quality Index registered the conditions as ‘hazardous’ while the surrounding bushfires have meant smoke alarms have been going off in the Sydney CBD.

If the Black Caps find a handful of Huntsman spiders in their dressing room in Perth, are ambushed on their way to the MCG by a modern-day Ned Kelly gang and discover brown snakes in their kitbag in Sydney, let’s not be surprised.