Mothers – etiquette and overstepping marks
How involved should the mother of the bride or groom be with the wedding?
With their children getting married, both sets of mothers are bound to be excited. Your diary will be full of weddingrelated appointments, and the mothers can’t stop bringing up the wedding at every chance.
It can alleviate stress when you accept help from someone else in planning the day, but that doesn’t mean they’re allowed to take over. Some mothers have a tendency to go overboard, so if you want something done a certain way, don’t let their words sway you. Your day, your way.
Ask her to be there for you: From offering advice and knowing how to calm you down, to readjusting that strand of hair that’s a little out of place, your mum should be there for you on your wedding morning, and for the rest of the planning process, too. Don’t underestimate the usefulness of a mum at this time.
Don’t let her take on too much: Don’t refuse all the help offered, but when delegating duties, make sure both you and they are realistic in what they are taking on. No matter how keen your mother/mother-inlaw may be to take on 20 jobs, her excitement may wane before she’s finished her second task of writing out place cards. At that point, you won’t dare mention the handmade favours … Don’t let her opinions affect you: Your mother/MIL may disapprove of your plans, from your dress to the venue. Taking her to your dress fitting can quickly turn from a thoughtful idea, to an urge to buy an axe, and a shovel. And comments about your husband-to-be not making enough effort? Not what you need. Calmly let her know that she is upsetting you, but don’t let it affect you.
Don’t let her dress like the bride or bridesmaids: Under no circumstances should your mother/MIL wear white on the day, unless you’re not. Ask her what she’s wearing before the day. And unless you suggested she does so, make sure she isn’t deliberately matching her outfit to the bridesmaids. If she wants to make a link to the bridal party, suggest a corsage in the same colour as the dresses.
The excitement is hard to contain, but tread cautiously: being the mother of the bride/groom comes with responsibilities. And although you’re going to have jobs during the planning, there are some things you should leave for the couple to decide. ■ Don’t spill news of the engagement: You may be super excited, but unless the couple ask otherwise, it’s their job to tell everyone so keep it quiet.
■ Don’t invite guests: Although there might be friends and family members you want at the wedding, don’t invite them without consulting the bride and groom. They might be on a tight budget so have to limit numbers. ■ Offer your help: This is tricky, as you might not want to get in the way, but it’s just as bad to not offer help at all. ■ Don’t over-promise and under-deliver: When it comes to money, time and resources, don’t offer anything unless you know you can do it.
■ Don’t compare it to other weddings: Ever. The couple will not appreciate hearing how ‘‘Ellen had the most expensive, lavish wedding in the world’’, when they are on a tight budget. ■ Don’t try to ‘out-do’ the other mother: It’s not a competition. There’s no need to get the most expensive outfit or the biggest hat; think of the wedding as a chance to unite the families. ■ Don’t be pushy: Your job is to support the couple during the planning process, and to enjoy their day. You can offer your opinions, but if they don’t want to use pink silk chair covers, then they don’t have to.