Stuck between my boys and husband
Question
Last November, I got married again to a stable, older man. It was all fine when we were dating and living in separate houses, but as soon as we lived together permanently it went sour.
Lockdown was the worst and he just watched TV the whole time and wanted me there beside him!
I have two teenage sons and he used to spend time with them, or at least eat dinner with them, but now finds my boys annoying.
Of course, the more annoying he finds them, the more they wind him up, and I end up being the ref. It’s wearing me down.
I might’ve made a big mistake. We are living in his house as it’s bigger and I sold my place.
One of the boys is looking to leave school just to move away from this situation.
He married you knowing you have these sons, probably the most precious things in your life, and they are potentially part of the problem.
Answer
Your first course of action might be some discussion with your new husband.
He needs a chance to hear you’re unhappy – if he doesn’t already know. Perhaps he’s miserable too, or maybe there’s something else going on. Could he be depressed or unwell?
Going from living alone to getting married and sharing a house with a new spouse and sons may be too much. Add lockdown into that, and it’s possible he’s tipped right over. I’m not suggesting your account is incorrect, but you need to understand exactly where he’s at, so you make the right decisions now.
About your teenage boys. He married you knowing you have these sons, probably the most precious things in your life, and they are potentially part of the problem. We all know teenage boys are a messy, noisy, hungry, demanding species, who work best in pairs.
Are they goading him? Is he used to teenagers? There could be nuances and vibes you’re unaware of, and you need to chat with them away from your husband. Say you value their opinions, ask what they perceive the problem to be, and encourage them to speak freely. Can they work with you to restore the relationship you once had with your husband? And do they want that? If not, why not?
You need to hear from them because they shouldn’t be making life decisions based on their desire to escape their new stepfather. Your boys are entitled to live happily and peacefully in their home, and so are you. Appeasing and playing referee is no way for anyone to live.
The discussions may be too hard without an independent counsellor, so factor that in if you’re not making progress. Any marriage can be dissolved, whether it’s six months old, or 60 years.
If you think that’s the way it’s all headed, then get yourself some legal advice as soon as you can.
Mary-anne Scott has raised four boys and written three novels for young adults. As one of seven sisters, there aren’t many parenting problems she hasn’t talked over.
Please note that Mary-anne is not a trained counsellor. Her advice is not intended to replace that of professional counsellor or psychologist.
To send Mary-anne a question, email life.style@stuff. co.nz with Dear Mary-anne in the subject line. Your anonymity is assured.