Yes, becoming a parent does make you anxious

Becoming a parent means you start to see the world slightly differently. You look out for risks, maybe plan and think about the future more often. However, at times parents will start to think too often about risks. Little things, that would have never concerned them before, will start to become major concerns.

Sometimes, the things parents do seem strange but psychologists say it does make sense why parents feel the need to take some extreme precautions.

My mum was even more nervous than she let on. As well as instilling a minor fear that my electric blanket might start a fire if left on overnight, it turns out she also ‘‘s... herself’’ every time I rode a bike. Ever since a minor car accident, Mum was never a fan of anything with wheels. She stopped driving, explaining now that she was worried that she’d end up ‘‘killing us both’’.

Psychologists who have researched and treated parents with unusual anxieties tell me the wheels fear isn’t surprising. It’s common for parents to develop fears about all sorts of different things they think could injure or kill themselves, or their kids, even if the chance of that happening is very low.

Kirsty Ross, a mum, Massey University lecturer, and senior clinical psychologist, experienced some fears as a new mum. Her eldest child has moved out of home, but she remembers holding him as a baby and thinking, ‘‘If I fall and drop him he could be really seriously injured.’’

‘‘You’ve got to think what’s the likelihood something will happen? What is within your control and how can you mitigate risk while living a full and rich life, and modelling that to your children?’’ she says.

Psychologists have a framework to assess if an issue is a disorder. Generally, though, Ross says it’s a significant issue if anxieties are stopping you from living how you want.

It is definitely not unusual to be looking for ways to mitigate risk. ‘‘Your brain is designed to look for dangers and protect you, so when you have children it’s a natural evolutionary function to not just look out for dangers for yourself but also for your children,’’ she says.

But for some, the thought of danger becomes too consuming.‘‘For certain people that awareness of a possibility can take on a life of its own. You can’t un-know stuff, but you need to evaluate it properly to recognise that things can happen in the world – but what do you have control over? And how likely is it?’’

Ross says parents who have had an experience with something going wrong will often overcompensate, avoid or take a lot of precautions because the risk feels more real to them.

As a solo mum, Ross says my mum was also more at risk of being anxious around issues of danger. She says solo parenting, or being in a situation without much of a support network – for instance, immigrating or moving towns – often leads to more pressure on parents. Often, it comes back to a pretty simple fear: ‘‘Who will look after the children?’’

‘‘It’s a classic saying, ‘it takes a village to raise a child’, but it is such an important feeling to know that there are people around who can care for your child,’’ Ross says. While many parents will experience anxieties and fears, she says solo parents with their first child are particularly atrisk.

Dr Ian Evans, emeritus professor of psychology, says that while it is rare for parental anxiety to reach a clinical level, it does happen. ‘‘If you are already a worrier, if the baby has some health problems, if you don’t have a supportive partner, if you don’t have the financial resources to prepare for a baby and then care for it without stress, these will all be risk factors,’’ he says.

I mentioned to Evans that my mum still doesn’t drive. It’s borderline, he says. ‘‘Quite an overreaction’’, which a psychologist could ‘‘treat quite easily’’. On the other hand, it is better for the environment ... so maybe not too much of an issue?

You can’t un-know stuff, but you need to evaluate it properly.