Unhappily in love

If your relationship is broken but you are not yet sure whether it is too late to mend it, there are steps you can take to help, writes Karen Nimmo.

You want to leave but you can’t. You have your reasons. Money. Kids. House. Property. The dog. Shame. Guilt. Loneliness. Sadness. Worry. But the inescapable truth is that you and your partner have lost your way. It is not particularly toxic, but it is just not working. Neither of you is happy, but leaving is a huge call.

Separation would mean disruption to every part of your life. Family, friendships, finances, and the way you function in the world. The way others see you and the way you see yourself.

So you want to know whether if you stay with your partner you will risk losing yourself altogether, or if it is possible to survive a marriage like this.

More than that, can you thrive?

First, do you need to leave?

Like all therapists, I see a lot of people in this situation. People who want to leave but who are wary of the massive upheaval required, as well as fear of an uncertain future.

As one woman who had left her ‘‘tired marriage’’ a year earlier reflected: ‘‘It has been so hard. I don’t know if I did the right thing. Why don’t people just stay together and be a little bit miserable?’’

People of past generations did just that. They stayed, most commonly for the children and, often, just because of a lack of options.

It made many resentful and bitter, but they will never know if leaving would have made life better, or just a whole lot harder.

So if you have found yourself in this position, ask yourself:

Am I safe? (And are the children safe?)

This refers to your physical and sexual safety. You need to be honest about whether you (or your children) are at risk of being hurt and, the bigger question, whether your life (lives) are in danger. ‘‘Yes’’ answers to those questions are not negotiable. If you are in physical or sexual danger you need to leave immediately and you will probably need help to do so.

Am I being psychologically or emotionally damaged?

This refers to all the manipulative tricks deployed by toxic partners. For example, lying to you, cheating on you, criticising you, making you feel small or insignificant, making you feel you are constantly overreacting or too emotional, or controlling your time and cutting you off from key contacts.

If your situation is psychologically damaging, it will ultimately affect your health and wellbeing.

But you have a little more time to play with, to gather your support team and to make a plan that works for you and any children you have.

Can being ‘‘a bit miserable’’ work?

Some people in unhappy, but not unsafe, relationships are not ready to leave. And when they raise this in therapy, I am up for helping them create ‘‘a life within a life’’, to work towards creating as good a life as possible within those boundaries.

Here is where to start.

Create a bubble

This doesn’t mean living inside an unhealthy bubble with you and your partner being the only inhabitants. That would make things worse.

This is an arbitrary bubble in which you commit to making the best of yourself and your life in spite of the circumstances, and then holding yourself to that vow.

Nurture or rebuild friendships

If your situation with your partner has left you feeling isolated, you need to rebuild outside connections. This may feel hard, especially if you have been together for a long time and other relationships have dropped away. But it is crucial, whether you stay or go.

Having a world beyond your relationship will help you to cope with it.

Quit the dysfunctional coping strategies

When we are unhappy, we often turn to things we think will make us feel better. Think alcohol, porn, drugs, gambling, shopping or food.

But it is a temporary hit and they often end up making us feel worse. We feel guilty, miserable or more stuck.

If you find yourself tipping into these, you need to make a change. The sooner the better.

Do things you enjoy, which means knowing what you enjoy

Often people who are struggling in their relationships lose their sense of themselves as individuals. Some say ‘‘I’ve forgotten who I am’’ because their world has been so shaped by their partner and relationship.

Take time to explore – or reconnect with – the activities you enjoy. Then take more time to go and do them.

Set a timeline for review

Daily dwelling on whether you should go or stay will maintain your misery. If you are staying for now, draw a line in the sand with it.

Tell yourself you will review the situation in six months or a year (write down the date), then let it go and do your best with what you have for now. It will take the pressure off daily life and help you to enjoy the good moments. Because, in the struggle, there will always be some of those.