Of course the US would beat us if they played rugby
Get outta town! No way did an American just say that. Those gosh darn people with their big country and stoopid President sure got some cheek. I mean, there’s just no way America could beat the All Blacks if they actually cared about rugby could they? Like, I mean, like, could they?
When you’re little, it’s important to be noticed and respected when you beat the sort-of big guys and the Australians to become the best in the world! So this week, when ESPN’s senior American football (not round ball football) writer said the USA would dominate world rugby if the NFL’s very best were available, Kiwi feathers were ruffled.
My feathers fanned out like a turkey tail, in alarm. Because, let’s face it, he’s probably right.
Hold it! Don’t get all shouty like Simon Bridges at Parliament question time. We need to talk about this and panic a bit, then come up with a plan. Context would probably be handy too, although I know that it and facts get in the way of a good argument.
This ‘discussion’ happened on Twitter. The writer, Kelvin Van Valkenburg (what were his parents thinking not naming him Thor) was watching college rugby at the barbers. Not because he wanted to but because the owners wouldn’t turn on the golf. Surely the best way to move your customers on is to put on a dynamic, fast paced game of golf?! Anyway, he said that if we gave him a year, a few top players and an NFL practice squad ‘‘. . . the US would thoroughly dominate rugby, and other countries would quit.’’
Cue very upset people being upset, offended and really pissed. Mr VV had the perfect response. ‘‘Who knew messing with rugby twitter was so easy!’’ I worry that UK scribe Stephen Jones told him that winding up rugby fans was like beating the Blues . . . at the moment. I’m sure they’ll come right.
Guys, chill out and have a little think. No, college rugby was not the best way to form an opinion about the elite players however, if America did put its mind to it, it could very well crush us, us meaning our little All Black egos.
They have all the science on training, fitness and recovery. They have the money to throw at hiring the best from around the world.
I could see Steve Hansen, Wayne Smith and most of the Crusaders set up, packing bags (one for clothes, another for cash) for the States tomorrow. Training facilities, doctors, physios and head coaches and probably bottom coaches, such is their complete approach.
World sport has learnt a lot from the NFL.
Obviously we don’t want to pick up that bad habit of players relying on the coaches to do all the thinking. And all that hanging around waiting is annoying. And the endless anthem singing is a bit much. Then there’s the pad thing. Oh and they can’t kick on an angle. But despite all that, you’d be a Trump-sized ignoramus if you thought they couldn’t catch up.
But, don’t you worry your little oval balled brains about that. South Africa and Wales have been working together behind the scenes to save us. Last weekend they played an exhibition match in Washington DC. Someone forgot to promote it so only around 20,000 turned up. The poor things watched confused and bored as the most dire game unfolded.
They put them through waterboarding, otherwise known as endless reset scrums. Reset after reset until even the commentators begged for respite. Then they tried to kick the game into submission with aerial ping pong.
The game started to resemble a melting glacier before climate change sped things up. It did improve but we can only hope that by the end, Americans and even the few expats who made the effort to attend, were completely turned off.
Genius! It will give us at least a few more years before America contemplates rugby again. Best thing to do is keep the sport small so they don’t feel like taking it over.
Fortunately world rugby is already doing that by failing to get the Pacific Islands up and running. Ha! And they think we don’t know how to play the game ...