Ogling is human nature
The radio’s always humming away in the background, so when I overheard that the Miss America pageant was dropping its evening gowns and swimsuits I thought, ‘‘Gee that’s radical, they’re going nude.’’ Anything’s possible, and perhaps in the current #MeToo environment, the pageant was going to double down on the objectification of women. Au contraire, listening to the next news bulletin I gleaned that the pageant is going through a major overhaul, it will no longer be called a pageant, and the evening garb and bikinis are gone-burgers.
Frankly, I always thought the evening ‘‘gowns’’, as Americans call their posh frocks, looked trashy, like something you’d find in an op shop 50-cent bargain barrel.
Dating back 100 years to the first contests held in seaside resorts in Atlantic City, the swimsuit section has been a part of the pageant’s history. That was the nostalgic excuse offered up to those who thought swimsuits and heels worn in the evening, sans sand, was way out of context and an objectification of women.
According to a former Miss America, Gretchen Carlson, the pageant will no longer be a beauty pageant; it will be a competition, and the field will be thrown open to women of all shapes and sizes.
Instead of parading like horses in the birdcage for the judges, there will be an interactive section with a panel. There the competitor will be able to highlight her achievements and goals in life and outline how she will harness her talents, passion and ambitions to perform the job of Miss America. That will make for interesting viewing . . . not.
Carlson became head of the organisation’s board of trustees in the wake of a scandal about revelations of judges’ vulgar and lewd comments about previous competitors. She assures future competitors they won’t be judged on their appearance: ‘‘It’s what comes out of their mouths is what we care about.’’
So does that mean an end to the beauty pageant contestant’s selfless wish for world peace? How will we Earthlings manage to keep our fists to ourselves without the unrelenting patter of Miss America global peace orisons that has kept our planet together?
One of my favourite scenes from the gently satirical comedy Miss Congeniality is when Sandra Bullock, a beauty pageant competitor and undercover cop, is asked by the pageant host Stan (played by William Shatner): ‘‘What is the most important thing our society needs?’’
Answer from Bullock: ‘‘That would be harsher penalties for parole violators, Stan’’ – followed by a deadly silence from the audience and, after a lengthy pause Bullock begrudgingly adding ‘‘. . . and world peace’’ (to wild audience applause).
This primmer mandate for covering up flesh by the Miss America pageant is well meaning but too late, and I can’t see any network wanting to screen the cleaned-up format.
Humans enjoy ogling and admiring the body beautiful, and that was this pageant’s focus. Now that it has been removed, the search for a best Miss America is too wishy-washy. Competitions should have a theme to them, eg Young Farmer of the Year, where the talents are authentic to the lives of the competitors.
There will always be an appetite for best-flesh competitions entered by exhibitionists and viewed by pervs. We have a version starting tonight in the formulaic hot dudes and babes perv of Heartbreak Island. No doubt this will be watched slavishly by a social media-articulate constituency, who like contrived drama arcs with their bikinis and budgie-smugglers. Hopefully, this low-brow fleshy saga will be a cut above waiting to see how long it takes David Seymour to finally get euthanised on Dancing with the Stars.