Couple share their fertility story
Manu Fisi’ihoi imagined he would have the kind of family that would fill a minivan.
It’s not proving easy for the 27 year old and wife Hannah, 24.
The Hamilton-based man has severe male factor infertility and the couple have spent the last few years watching friends and family have babies.
‘‘Initially I was a little sad, because I come from a really big family, and typically Polynesian families, they pack up the vans,’’ Manu said from the couch in their Temple View home.
‘‘When you see Polynesian families, that’s what you typically think of.’’
It’s what he’d pictured for himself, and the idea that wouldn’t happen naturally ‘‘kind of set me back’’.
One in four Kiwis experiences infertility, according to Fertility NZ, and it affects men and women equally.
Fertility treatment has an average success rate of 50 per cent.
He shed a few tears, but soon moved on to being grateful for the opportunity for funded IVF.
After about a year of waiting, Manu and Hannah reached the top of the wait list and are excited to start.
A lot of things in the Fisi’ihois’ relationship have happened fast.
They met about three years ago at a church conference – they’re both Mormon, or part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Hannah had just moved back from the Gold Coast and wanted to be Manu’s friend.
It went further than that – they were engaged after a month and married three months after that.
‘‘Sometimes when you know, you know,’’ Hannah said, ‘‘so there’s no point waiting and mucking around.’’
‘‘We just kind of thought, let’s get married and then we can have a family. That’s how it always goes.’’
They tried for kids about eight months in, and nothing had happened after a year – though getting pregnant seemed to be easy for friends and family.
The Fisi’ihois went from imagining their babies growing up together to feeling twinges of emptiness and longing with each friends’ announcement, Hannah said.
Specialist visits and tests revealed male factor infertility.
‘‘Although it’s male factor [infertility], I feel like, emotionally, it’s female factor,’’ Manu said, ‘‘because [Hannah] takes all of it.
‘‘And in my head I’m, like, it’s not even your problem.’’
Men don’t typically talk about this stuff, he said, so he’s had comments from male friends who know he’s been married for a while and doesn’t have kids.
‘‘Because they don’t know your situation ... they’ll just be like, you’re shooting blanks, mate,’’ he said. ‘‘You’re just, like, if only you knew. ‘‘I just typically laugh it off, like, yeah, that’s true, and just move on with it, instead of indulging in it and kind of being sour about it. Because there’s nothing really I can change about it ... I’m real logical.’’
He and Hannah have got good at answering people’s questions about children, saying they’re the fun aunty and uncle for now, or, oh, not yet.
‘‘Sometimes you just can’t say ‘we can’t’ without crying. You just don’t want to,’’ Hannah said.
The pair are now on the edge: wanting and hoping for kids, Manu said, but it’s not happening.
It’s not a sure bet, even with IVF, Hannah said, but they’re excited about starting.
And there is a silver lining to their fertility journey so far. It has made them a stronger couple.
‘‘We’ve gotten to the point now where we can just look at each other and we know how the other person is feeling,’’ Hannah said.
Fertility Week is being held September 24 to 30 and Fertility NZ is running a Discover your chances online quiz.