Fighting in front of your kids not as bad as you think
Ihave a confession: I recently became so enraged by some trivial domestic matter that I kicked a huge dent in the kitchen bin.
Yes, it was in front of the children. No, I can’t remember what provoked such displeasure. I can’t even recall if my husband was the cause, though the poor bin won’t forget in a hurry.
Every time I notice it, I wonder whether I have traumatised my kids. It can’t have been healthy for them to see their usually calm and controlled mother unleash an explosion of rage.
Except, thankfully, it turns out it can be. Research has suggested that it’s better to express negative emotions around our children in a healthy way than to bottle them up – and this includes allowing them to see ‘‘healthy conflict’’.
‘‘Children pick up on suppression, but it’s something a lot of parents think is a good thing to do,’’ says Sara Waters, assistant professor in the Department of Human Development on the Washington State University Vancouver campus.
‘‘Kids can pick up subtle cues from emotions. If they feel something negative has happened, and the parents are not addressing it, that’s confusing for them.’’
From start to resolution
It’s not quite carte blanche to let rip at your partner any time they do something mildly annoying but it does mean we needn’t stay entirely buttoned-up either.
Let them see a healthy conflict, from start to resolution. ‘‘That helps children learn to regulate their own emotions,’’ Waters explains. ‘‘They see that problems can be resolved. It’s best to let the kids know you feel angry, and tell them what you’re going to do about it to make the situation better.’’
Faced with rising levels of rage, experts advise blaming the situation, not the person. That’s harder than it sounds, because there’s nothing more satisfying than taking out your ire on someone or something.
But, says clinical psychologist Linda Blair, doing so can suggest to children that there’s something inherently ‘‘not good’’ in the person at the receiving end. ‘‘If parents are fighting [they should not] say, ‘you’re stupid, you don’t get my point, you don’t understand’. It [should be] ‘this is a sensitive issue and we’re going to have to find a way to work together to get through this’,’’ she explains.
Blair also counsels against saying something is ‘‘impossible’’, ‘‘stupid’’ or ‘‘too hard’’. ‘‘Instead say ‘this is a real challenge’, or ‘boy, is this going to make us think hard’. That way you suggest the possibility of resolution.’’
Set an example
Language is also crucial when expressing anger – neither parent wants to be responsible for turning the airwaves blue – but a bit of light swearing around your children is unlikely to leave them scarred. You should probably avoid dropping the F-bomb, however, as we all know how readily our children pick up on and copy what we say.
Blair advocates doing whatever it takes to turn the temperature down – short of kicking the bin.
‘‘Parents should set an example by saying, ‘let’s sit down and have a cup of tea, or do some breathing, or have a walk around the block’. If you can be rational you will arrive at a better resolution.’’
And if you’re still in the middle of an unresolved row it enables you to come back and offer something more conciliatory. ‘‘You may say, ‘we still disagree, we’ve got a problem. We need to find a way through’.’’
Of course, saying sorry is vital. Something along the lines of, ‘‘I owe you an apology, that was not good behaviour,’’ should suffice, says Blair.
A bit of light swearing around your children is unlikely to leave them scarred.