Things I wish I’d known as a younger woman

So today is International Women’s Day and I, like many others, have spent a lot of time this week thinking and talking about women in New Zealand. Have we done enough? What needs to be done? How do we help the next generation of women be kick-ass?

Now, I can’t really offer any amazing insights into the pay gap, or period poverty, or solving domestic violence. But one thing I do know is that there are key pieces of advice young women should hear if they want to be successful/happy/not feeling permanently dazed and confused in the world. Think of it as a ‘‘checklist to tell my daughter before she’s too old to think she knows everything’’. So in honour of the day, here are my top five things that I wish I’d known sooner.

1. Choose your partner wisely

A few International Women’s Days ago, I watched a wise and distinguished old bird peer steadily over the top of a microphone and tell hundreds of young women that the key to being successful was ‘‘not dating f-ups’’. It’s the kind of advice, like how much spinach you should eat in a day, that’s totally depressing but utterly true.

We young women have some truly weird, very un-useful dating habits from dating ‘‘doer-upper’’ partners to dating someone awful to prove a point. Honestly, these colossal partner-shaped mistakes take a huge toll on your ability to live your life the way you want. Unfortunately there’s no golden rule for spotting these, but if you know you’ve got bad taste in humans then get them vetted by a friend who doesn’t. And never trust a guy who wears towelling socks when he’s not at the gym.

2. You don’t have to be a bitch to be successful

There’s this stubbornly lingering idea that for women to be successful in life we have to be a hardnosed, big-haired, shoulder-padded power-bitch. I always get asked by young women whether you have to sacrifice being nice in order to be successful. And the short answer is just no. Being likeable is hugely influential – just look at Jacinda.

The long answer is the best formula I’ve ever found for success is to be two of the holy trinity of employability: talented, reliable or likeable. And honestly, being a power-bitch might make you feel like you’re getting results, but it’s also the fast track to being empty, miserable and alone.

3. Always have an escape fund

Even though this sounds a little James Bond-y, the principle is that your life as a young woman will have definite, urgent ‘‘Oh s..., I need to leave’’ moments. As such, put two months of living expenses in a bank account that’s helpfully titled ‘‘Escape fund – do not use to buy brunch’’, so that when these moments inevitably occur you’re able to well, escape.

The first few years after I left home were marked by definite ‘‘oh s...’’ experiences I’d never expected: being stalked by an ex, followed home by a uni employee, persistently sexually harassed by my boss, being robbed by a boyfriend who turned out to be a gambling addict, living in a condemned house . . . and every time it was my escape fund (and long-suffering but understanding parents/ friends) that got me out of them.

4. If a guy thinks you’re intimidating, you’re probably just successful

So most successful women at some point will have had a concerned friend sit them down and painstakingly explain that, ‘‘you know, guys just find you a bit intimidating’’. It’s always with the same air of quiet disgust that you might smell a sixweek-old milkshake spilt in a car.

Now maybe you are intimidating by nature, you could be doing the power-bitch thing, or walking around Kmart in a suit of armour swinging a mace and impaling peasants. But honestly, 90 per cent of the time this is what guys say when you’re just doing something interesting and successful that makes them question whether they themselves are interesting and successful enough.

There are still a lot of people out there who aren’t used to the idea of confident women. But that’s their problem, not yours.

There are still a lot of people out there who aren’t used to the idea of confident women. But that’s their problem, not yours.

5. If you can, live on your own for as long as possible

I know it’s an era of unreasonable rent and living at home to save money. But if you can live alone, do it. Yes, you will learn the fresh hell of scraping hardened Weet-Bix off a bowl and forgetting to pay your internet bill. But what you’ll learn about yourself, your independence and how you can live alone without descending into spinster cat lady madness is priceless.

Do it as soon as you can, before someone convinces you to move in with them and you miss out on the supreme thrill of starting your day dancing around naked with a spatula re-enacting the Pussycat Dolls’ greatest hits.