Old words and new meanings

Afew years ago, I came across a new word that at the time gave me a great deal of pleasure. It wasn’t from the word itself – neologism – that I derived so much enjoyment but the employment of its definition. Some of you may remember that the word neologism is derived from the Greek neos, for ‘‘new’’, and logos, for ‘‘word’’, and in modern terms it is being used in a most amusing way.

Here are a couple of examples from my initial discovery of neologisms: negligent – to have absent-mindedly opened the front door in your nightgown; similarly, circumvent – an opening in boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

It went without saying that I couldn’t resist coming up with some neologisms of my own, and sharing them with readers. For more than three years, I have resisted returning to the topic but my willpower has been finally exhausted, so here are my latest contributions to the English language.

Anagram – a musical prop in Tolstoy’s

Antiseptic – your mother’s detestable sister. Apathy – a council’s tardy attention to pavement repairs.

Biological – a reasoned explanation of climate change.

Blunder bus – a review of the Wellington transport system.

Bridge of Sighs – sounds of exasperation from National backbenchers.

Buttress – uplifting surgery on the bottom. Buzzword – an apiarist’s monthly magazine. Caterpallor – the colour of your face when you find half a grub in your apple.

Circumference – an overweight knight of the realm.

Counterpunch – blow thrown by an aggressive customer.

Comic relief – the moment a pathetic comedian leaves the stage.

Cookold – a TV chef betrayed by his wife. Crush barrier – resistance to making Judith Collins party leader.

Cycloan – a borrowed bike.

Discuss – a Caribbean swearword. Disjoint – a Caribbean reefer. Eavesdrop – failing guttering.

Effluent – a prodigious swearer. Execrable – a person who is particularly inept at word games.

Extramural – bonus wall art.

Feckless – an Irish curser lost for words. First aid – dubious donations to a political party.

Foreplay – the actions of a particularly considerate golfer before teeing off.

Irony – a room for pressing the laundry. Palindrome – a theatre in a Monty Python star’s home town.

Parsimonious – a stingy clergyman. Platitude – a tableland at extreme height. Polemic – a boom for a microphone. Polymath – a parrot’s calculations. Polynesia – a parrot with a failing memory. Selfie stick – to accidentally wound yourself while sewing.

Skulduggery – disappointment shown by a grave robber at his meagre pickings.

Tumbleweed – an accident brought on by smoking cannabis.

Whinestein – to complain vociferously about the laying of legal charges.

Youphemism – to talk about yourself in flattering terms.

Well, there you have it. There’ll be no need for me to see a doctor about my addiction (a compulsion to make things add up).