OH, THE PLACES YOU’LL (SORT OF) GO!
Ruth Spencer on the local versions of the great tourist cities of the world
We can’t all pop to the Maldives when the mood strikes us. For most of us it’s the last Book-a-Bach available on a rainy long weekend in June. But if the great tourist cities of the world are out of your reach, don’t despair. Here are some local holiday destinations that are just as good as anything in foreign parts. Oh the places you’ll sort of go!
PAMPLONA: TE KUITI
If you’re the kind of person that likes getting far too close to cattle, the Running of the Bulls at Pamplona will be your ultimate dream trip. For some reason best explained by sangria, machismo is measured in Pamplona by jogging in front of a steer. The thunder of hooves coming ever closer, the farmyard stench of scared animal — or maybe that’s you. The same thrill can be experienced here, but not, as you may think, in Bulls. For the excitement of livestock loose in the streets you either want Ponsonby Rd on a Saturday night or Te Kuiti for the Running of the Sheep, which is a real thing. Te Kuiti is about as macho as New Zealand gets. PARIS: HUNTLY Perhaps the most popular bucket-list destination, Paris features in thousands of films and songs. The same can be said for Huntly, the Paris of the Waikato, although fewer films and songs, more comedy routines. Like Paris, Huntly is bisected by a river. Where Paris has quaint, cobbled streets, Huntly’s historical brickworks has provided many examples of interesting bricks. The Paris Opera is one of the finest cultural buildings in the world, but Huntly produced the Topp Twins, whose style of Grand Old Opry is some of our finest culture. Huntly even has a slight advantage over Paris in that it has two towers, the twin majestic chimneys of the powerstation. The City of Lights is spectacular but it’s hard to compete with the recently relit DEKA sign.
TUSCANY: BLENHEIM
Do you yearn to wander in fields of gold? To sip red wine beneath the Tuscan sun and hopefully dream up the next self-discovery foodbased best-seller, Gorge Yourself Gorgeous? It’s possible in Blenheim: Tuscany With Bogans (not their official slogan). In Tuscany everything is mouth-watering; Blenheim has the Watery Mouth cafe, possibly the only saliva-themed cafe in the country. Tuscany was the birthplace of the Italian Renaissance, and Blenheim also experienced a rebirth when grapes were planted in the 80s and it threw off its Metallica T-shirted past, although the crystal shop bravely survived into the 2000s and, until its recent closure, the only nightclub defiantly offered a wine list of “red or white”. Basking in the country’s highest sunshine hours and surrounded by beautiful hills, Blenheim is the Tuscan dream you can afford. Black fisherman’s jumper optional.
LAS VEGAS: WAIOURU
Las Vegas is a legend of good times. Elvis sang about it, it has its own CSI series, Celine Dion still performs there, although possibly it’s a latex dummy inhabited by loud mice. We have the equivalent but it’s not Rotovegas. For true Vegas verisimilitude, you want Waiouru. Both Vegas and Waiouru are desert cities surrounded by barren wasteland and wild horses. In Vegas you can try the excitement of gambling, and it’s an exciting gamble as to whether you’ll be able to get to Waiouru or be stranded in your car on the desert road like a CSI victim. There’s an equal chance of seeing a Humvee on the main drag, and instead of magic shows and fireworks you can check out the army’s bombing range. Vegas has widely available opiates; you can’t move for poppies in the Army Museum. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, and it’s certainly unverified whether anything has ever happened in Waiouru.
NEW ORLEANS: GORE
From voodoo to Mardi Gras, you’d be forgiven for thinking New Orleans is unique in its attractions. However, for everything The Big Easy has, The Big Trout offers stiff competition. Gore is New Orleans wearing a Swanndri. Both situated on lazy, mighty rivers no one can spell, where N’Orleans jives to jazz, Gore boot-scoots to country music. If you enjoy the lilting sounds of Creole languages, you’ll love the rolling Rs of our own deep south — ask them to say “purple curtain”, they love it. If what draws you to the French Quarter is a lust for moonshine, sate it at the Hokonui Moonshine Museum. If it’s African culture, look no further than the African art collection at Gore’s Eastern Southland Gallery. Truly Gore has earned the name New Gorleans but there is no record of them wanting it.