COME INSIDE

Ruth Spencer on why lovers of the great outdoors have it all wrong

Research shows that getting out into the Great Outdoors is good for you. It would, wouldn’t it? Research hardly ever shows that sitting in a comfortable chair with Netflix and chips is good for you, and that’s why people don’t like science. But there’s a case for staying in, and this is it.

Rabid wolves

Although slavering mongrels are not usually a problem in the city unless the bars have just closed, the fact is, all dogs are descended from wolves. Some of them have descended quite a long way, but even a teacup schnoodle is only a couple of meals away from going full Cujo. Who let the dogs out? Everyone, so you’re much safer to stay inside.

Weather bombs

There’s good reason for the phrase, “you’ll catch your death”. A MetService warning may save you from storms, but 100 years of industrialisation has given us ordinary weather to die for. Unfiltered UV rays, acid rain, chemtrails, smog; the answer is blowing in the wind, as long as the question is, “what will kill me?”

Stranger things

When you go outside you’re leaving your own habitat for literally everything else’s. Slugs and snails and the aforementioned rabid wolf tails. You may even meet actual strangers, human persons who may try to speak to you. They say confronting, difficult things, like: “Can I help you?” If only, lady, if only.

Footpath to the dangerzone

Feet are amazing. They bear our weight, they look nice with nail polish on, and they keep the Imelda Marcoses of the world from getting bored. They keep foot fetishists from gazing at our chests, which is a nice change. But they also have an uncanny knack for stepping in things they shouldn’t. Mud puddles. Broken glass. Rusty nails. You may even step into the orbit of a charity mugger. It’s really hard to clean those off your shoes.

Nothing to see here

Outside it’s chaos, beauty and horror tossed together randomly like the cast of Keeping up with the

Kardashians. At home you can curate your environment, allowing only the useful or lovely or on sale at Kmart. And who needs nature when you can watch gorgeous sunsets in timelapse video, saving hours of tedium?

Just why?

If humans were meant to go outside, they wouldn’t have invented Wi-Fi. No one needs a healthy glow any more; we have Instagram filters for that. We get quite enough exercise heaving ourselves out of the recliner, which is quite strenuous these days, and shuffling to the wine rack. Fresh air comes out of the purifier and the scent of wild flowers wafts from the soy melt burner — you can actually detect a pleasant, background whiff of decimated rainforest: sort of woody, with orangutan screams. So ignore the research and stay indoors, where the kettle is on and the living is easy. The wolf might be at your door, but at least it’s on the other side.