TOP OF THE TREE
Ruth Spencer on the truth behind the tinsel-topper and you
Ruth Spencer on the truth behind the tinsel-topper and you
What does your Christmas tree topper say about you? This may not be a question you’ve wrestled with on those long, sleepless nights, but like a Dickensian ghost your topper exposes your Christmas soul. So what’s going out on a limb at your place, and what does it reveal about your personality?
Star
You’re a traditionalist. No wise men are getting lost at your place, as your beacon of light guides them to the tasteful beige-and-gold nativity set you definitely have, with an manger empty until Christmas morning — because HE WASN’T BORN YET.
Starfish
You’re an ostentatious individualist, proud of your “sense of humour”. Your nautical-themed gift is those Guerlain seahorse chocolates that look a bit like cockroaches.
Angel
Gorgeous in flowing robes and slightly genderless perfection, the angel is for anyone who loves austere beauty. Dignified and with a tendency to look a bit sad at the failings of the world, you’d help anyone in crisis, albeit with an audible sigh.
Bird
It had sequins on it and it clipped on easily (unlike those stupid springcone things at the bottom of star ornaments) so now you have a peacock in a pine tree. You’re a bit of a magpie and you’re hoping for a lot of Pandora for Christmas. Shine on, you crazy Swarovski.
A Santa hat
You like Christmas. You love the movie Elf because smiling’s your favourite. You glue-gunned tinsel to a pool noodle for a frontdoor wreath. You are enthusiastic and chipper and you play Christmas music (the Mariah Carey kind) from November. We love you but please don’t invite us over.
Fairy
An angel in a cheaper frock. You’re approachable, a good listener, kind and you know which crystal you should wear on your heart chakra.
A lightning bolt
If you Harry Potter or otherwise “fandom” your tree, you’re a person who has trouble compartmentalising. Christmas has its own magic without it having to be all about Hogwarts. J.K. Rowling might be the only adult who never disappointed you; if so please don’t ask for The Cursed Child for Christmas.
Angel wings
A compromise between the holy angel and the profane bird. You lack conviction, finding it difficult to expose your true self to others. Your guests love you anyway, but they feel uncomfortable looking at amputated appendages when the turkey is served.
Reindeer head
This is a thing, honestly. Some people put a reindeer head, or worse, bare antlers, on the top of their tree. If this is you, stop it. You’re frightening the children.
Snowman
You’re dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones we used to see on TV. Your conception of reality is formed by popular culture, where Santa is fat and jolly and plum pudding is something a person might actually eat, even if your own Christmas dinner is a protein bar. Whatever brings you joy.
Elf legs disappearing into a chimney
A comical topper is a true sign of a deranged mind. Who are you trying to amuse? Have you talked with your therapist about your tendency to overcompensate? You’re okay as you are, you know.