WHAT AND WHEN TO TELL YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEX
LESLEY-ANN GUILD, HEALTH PROMOTION AREA MANAGER FOR FAMILY PLANNING NEW ZEALAND, OFFERS THE FOLLOWING GUIDELINES FOR FAMILIES:
0-2: Teach the common names for parts of the body: “If you’ve got 15 different names for a penis but only one for an elbow, it can make you feel that a penis is strange. It’s really important not to give them the message that certain parts of the body are shameful or dirty.”
Parents can also start to role model the concept of consent, such as respecting the boundaries of a child who doesn’t want to kiss someone goodbye. 3-4: Introduce the concept of keeping some parts of the body private in public: “This creates the basis that you have control of your own body, which is good for consent messages later on but it also helps them feel confident about their bodies.”
If they are curious about where babies come from, Guild says it’s good to share the awe that a baby is growing in someone’s tummy — you may not need to go into detail about how it got there. 5-8: Teach kids about friendship, respect and communication: “Sexuality education is about how we treat other people and how we expect to be treated, not just about body parts and sex. When your kids are this age, concentrate on helping them learn how to treat others with respect, what to do when other people are not treating them with respect, and how to cope with and manage their feelings.”
Some kids (and parents) may enjoy reading an age-appropriate non-fiction book about the different stages of pregnancy development.
Some families may be ready to discuss puberty at this age — it’s a good idea to include what happens to both genders. 9-12: Keep up the messages about positive relationships, friendships and communication, while introducing more information about the mental, emotional and physical changes of puberty and how it links to the reproductive system and pregnancy, Guild says.
“This is a good time to start talking about peer pressure and decision-making and equipping with them with the tools they need. It’s about recognising that it’s not enough to tell them to ‘just say no’, because saying no is a skill. If they haven’t been allowed to say ‘no’ to Gran’s pumpkin soup because they don’t like it, then suddenly saying no to someone you might really like for something quite personal can be quite hard.” 13 AND ONWARDS: Some kids may think they know it all by now, but you can still have good conversations about consent, respect and the consequences of sex, including sexually transmitted infections, contraception, and where to go for help.
“It’s never too late to start, but if you do it little and often it takes some of the embarrassment out of it and helps build trust.
“It might be helpful to include some delay messages — that sex is supposed to be a good and positive experience for everyone involved but that’s not guaranteed and it’s more likely to be if we wait until we’re really ready and able to look after ourselves and our partners.”