WHAT TO SAY ... WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY
Coping with bad news is hard for both the person and their friends and family. Paul Little gets some advice.
Coping with bad news is hard for both the person and their friends and family. Paul Little gets some advice.
Just going in, being present, allowing them to talk, having the sensitivity of knowing when to shut up can help. Monsignor Bernard Kiely
Is there anything more awkward? You ask someone, “How are you?” and then they go and tell you. “I’ve just been made redundant/found out my kid’s on drugs/ been told I have a terminal illness.” You don’t know what to say. So what do you say? For some people, knowing the answer to that is part of their job description.
If you don’t know what to say, just ’fess up, says Sarah McCambridge, health psychologist at the Cancer Society Auckland Northland.
“One of the most important things is to start by just listening,” she says. “It’s okay to tell people, ‘God … gosh, I don’t even know what to say.’ We advise supporters here at the Cancer Society that being open and honest about what you are feeling can be helpful for connecting with the person who has cancer.”
Then, she adds, it’s important — and easy — to acknowledge the person’s feelings by saying something like, “It sounds like you’re going through a difficult time,” or “I’m sorry to hear that”.
“It is human nature to go into advice-giving,” says McCambridge, “trying to make people feel better and focusing on the positive but this can make them feel they can’t talk about how difficult it is. Equally unhelpful is immediately going into a story of ‘my friend’ or ‘my uncle’ who had cancer.”
And even the professionals can be lost for words. Monsignor Bernard Kiely is vicar-general of the diocese of Auckland, based at Good Shepherd church in Balmoral. “I’m journeying with a family at the moment, where one parent is in the final stages of terminal illness,” says Kiely. “Walking into their house the other day, I thought: ‘What am I going to say?’ But just going in, being present, allowing them to talk, having the sensitivity of knowing when to shut up can help.”
And people can help their helpers to do the right thing: “I say to people: ‘You have to let your friends know what you need. If they start talking at you, for instance, you can say ‘I don’t want you to say anything’.”
Finally, “Don’t be afraid of tears. To be able to sit with someone and cry with them or hold them is often all that is needed.”
Jodi Tempero runs Mr and Mrs Manners, an etiquette coaching service that was originally aimed at children but now tutors adults as well. She says the right response should depend on how close you are to the person. “It’s about being respectful and putting yourself in their shoes,” says Tempero. “If you don’t know them well, say, ‘I’m so sorry to hear that,’ and leave it at that. ”
But even when you may not be sure what to say, you should definitely not say it in a text or email when the situation is serious. A card or note in itself sends the message that you care enough to go to some trouble.
John Cowan, is a writer and communicator for The Parenting Place, where people whose kids have problems often come for help. He says timing is important — slowly does it. “A saying I like is ‘only run for fire and haemorrhages’, which a nurse once yelled at me in a hospital. Sometimes you need a breather and a coffee to talk things through.”
Cowan points out that thanks to the internet, people now have access to numerous experts with different ideas for every problem, so there may be less respect for real-life professionals and their qualifications. The greater need may be for “someone who will hang in there and say, ‘I’m here for you.’”
Don’t pretend you do know what to say, he advises, emphasising the need to be sincere. “I’ve found myself starting to answer a question and having to admit: ‘Normally by this stage I’d know the answer but I don’t.’ Usually you can assure people there’s an answer to this but until we find it, I will be alongside you.”
Some problems may not be a matter of life and death or a child’s difficulties but of economic survival — such as losing your job.
Paul Tolich is senior national industrial officer with E Tu and has helped numerous people through the shock of redundancy.
“The main thing is you have to have some empathy with people and just say, ‘That’s a difficult situation.’ You’ve always got to be reassuring but you’ve got to be absolutely honest and factual. Never give people false hope.”
Although not personally involved, Tolich has observed one conspicuous case where telling people what they wanted to hear had serious consequences. “When Pike River happened, the powers that be tried give the impression they might get them out. Hope was being extended when you knew there was a good chance those people had died very quickly.”
So, according to this cross-section of professional listeners, the rules seem to be simple and consistent: shut up and listen; be genuine in your response; don’t try to fix things; and don’t offer false hope.