RESTAURANT

A tavern where size matters

Morningside Tavern

Irecently became the world’s oldest fiancee.

“When’s the wedding?” asked my 30-something dinner dates.

“When I’m thin,” I replied. But the joke fell flatter than day-old Diet Sprite.

“F*** that,” said Nicola. “We’ll have two of everything.”

Whinge about millennials (I do) but one thing they’ve really nailed is a kinder attitude to bodies. Their happiness is not contingent on dress size. Thus, at the gastro pubs they frequent, the burgers will be bigger than your head.

Morningside Tavern anchors a dining precinct that includes a vegan restaurant, fried chicken and dumpling joints, a cider bar and a more chocolatey version of that downtown dessert star, Miann.

You’d think all that competition would make a tough industry tougher, but studies show eating begets eating. One report I read recently found that when restaurants clustered, everybody’s cash registers benefited — and the biggest driver of failure was a poorly defined concept.

Morningside Tavern’s concept covers most of one wall, its website and a decent share of the menu. Who is that bearded hipster? I asked our waitperson. She sent the manager over to explain.

“That’s Allan Kerr Taylor,” he replied.

“He looks like my brother-in-law,” said Nicola. Personally, I thought he looked like Ryan Gosling but maybe it was just the hair. I’m not entirely sure what “concept” is being promoted via heroic renditions of the guy who subdivided 120 blocks of land in 1865 and called it Morningside but like attracts like. Most of the other men in the place were white and bearded.

The tavern is huge and the aesthetic is faux old brick warehouse. I prefer actual old brick warehouse, though I did love the bar with its oversized pan flute pipe-like, rainbow-hued beer taps (where Lion brand regulars mix it with boutique craft offerings). The wine list is divided into good, great and awesome, which for the purposes of this particular celebratory get-together, looked like Graham Norton Prosecco ($50), Deutz ($60) or Mumm ($90).

I ordered the salmon terrine ($17.90) to start. It was nothing like I expected. It looked like a small, disembowelled animal. I have literally seen less salmon in Canada.

Maybe the kitchen has been instructed to prep in proportion to the size of the dining room? The terrine (which totally rocked a delicious “early-80s cream cheese and just put your car keys in this bowl thanks”, kind of vibe) could have fed eight.

Our mains were similarly sized, though not necessarily as successful. Chicken schnitzel ($25.50) arrived as two large pieces of crumbed and fried bird with an undressed “Greek” salad that needed more (or even some) feta and a defter hand with the red onion, because no one wants to see that much raw onion in public.

Aubergine parma? “So. Much. Cheese,” said Nicola. But then she ate it all ($27.90) because, cheese.

You will definitely not leave Morningside Tavern hungry but if you arrive starving, get the beef burger ($23.90). It was so big, we could not stop laughing. Giant buns, juicy patty, fresh vege and topped with fried onion rings for good measure.

It also comes with fries, so you don’t really need a large bowl of potato “smashies” ($13.50) but we ate one anyway. I’ve read too many articles about synthetic truffle to believe anyone operating at this price point is putting real stuff on their chips but don’t be a snob, because truffle salt is MSG for white people and it makes everything taste like more please.

I was having the duck breast ($34.50) which was, relatively and blessedly, normal-sized. It was also fairly normal tasting — a decent attempt at a bistro staple, with some nicely horseradish-spiked mashed potatoes and bok choy, which made me feel better about all that potato.

If you’re thinking that one of those mains was not entirely like the others, you will have pinpointed the neither fish nor fowl nature of Morningside Tavern. It’s booze barn in size, but the menu speaks to a more refined offering. I imagine it could get beastly on an Eden Park game night but go after kick-off, order the super food salad and before you know it you’ll be working on a seating plan and wondering if gypsophila is de rigueur (again).