This just in: chemtrails aren’t real

It’s been one of the most enduring conspiracy theories: the shadowy powers are trying to manipulate us with a secret, large- scale atmospheric spraying programme that leaves noticeable trails across the sky.

Now a group of United States researchers has taken the time, as if they somehow needed to, to clear the air on the strange claims once and for all.

The researchers conducted a survey of the world’s leading atmospheric scientists, who categorically rejected the existence of a secret spraying program. The team’s findings, published by Environmental Research Letters, are based on a survey of two groups of experts: atmospheric chemists who specialise in condensation trails and geochemists working on atmospheric deposition of dust and pollution.

The survey results showed 76 of the 77 participating scientists said they had not encountered evidence of a secret spraying programme, and agree that the alleged evidence cited by the individuals who believe that atmospheric spraying is occurring could be explained through other factors, such as typical airplane contrail formation and poor data sampling.

But this begged the question: who was that 77th scientist and what do they know? The truth is out there.