Steve Braunias’ Secret Diary of ... the Brangelina divorce

JOHN KEY

At the end of the day it’s obviously very sad but if there’s anything I can do to help then I hope they know I’d be happy to come over, sit down with them, and talk it through. It just so happens I was in the US when the news broke about Brad and Angelina’s divorce, so it wouldn’t be a problem to clear away some paperwork and pay a visit. Marriage counselling isn’t my field of expertise to be honest but I know from my own experience that marriage isn’t always a bed of roses and sometimes there will be hard times. Bronagh and I don’t always see eye to eye on things, but the important thing is to realise that you’re essentially on the same team and that a bit of give and take is necessary on both sides.

Only the other day she said we should bid for a Colin McCahon painting at an auction in Auckland, but I said I wasn’t having that sort of thing in the house. We compromised. I said I’d be alright if it was hung in the garage.

It ended up selling for $ 1.35 million, setting a new record as the most expensive piece of artwork sold at auction in New Zealand.

That really impressed me and I said to Bronagh that although it looked like a toddler’s fingerpainting, she obviously knew her art.

Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree.

Things can get said in the heat of the moment and although they can be hurtful, it’s never too late to acknowledge that mistakes have been made and to move on.

This was also the gist of my speech to the United Nations, and if it’s good enough to bring Syria to heel and restore balance in the Middle East, then it should also work on the Brangelina problem. I’m here. I’m available. At the end of the day, and most mornings, too.

RICHIE McCAW

Brad will be hurting. He will be gutted by this. He will be feeling pretty bloody average. I think I might have a special kind of insight into what he’s going through because both Brad and I know what it’s like to see yourself playing action heroes on the big screen. I think if you’re putting out the perception that you’re living one sort of life, and the reality is you’re living another, that’s when you get into trouble. With me, what you see is pretty much who I am. If I’m perceived as boring, that’s okay. So maybe the problem is that Brad forgot what it’s like to be perceived as boring. I could help him out in that regard in a big way.

JULIA SLOANE

Now look, I’m very sorry about Brangelina, but excuse me, I’ve just had the week from hell.

I’ve been public enemy number one ever since Tuesday night’s episode of

Real Housewives of Auckland, where I called Michelle by an old nautical term. It was much like saying, “Ahoy there!”, or, “Arr, me hearties!” But it was taken out of context.

THE FRENCH HITCHHIKER

What I care about Brangelina? Zut alors, it mean nothing to me. Nothing. I could not care less. No, wait, there is something I could care even less about — New Zealand. What a hellhole. Nazi Zealand. New Merdeland. I go hitch- hiking here but it all go bad and next thing you know I put New Zealand on the map.

But are they grateful? Not a bit. Adieu, New Zealand! I see you in hell!

If you see me on the way there, would you mind giving me a lift? Merci.