The Max Key crisis

DONALD TRUMP BRENDON McCULLUM

I was actually with John when the news came through about his son Max. He took it pretty well. He just smiled and waved. I said to him afterwards over a few cold ones in our hotel in New Delhi, “Don’t let it spoil what has been one of the great trade missions in New Zealand history.” He said, “Mate, I couldn’t have done it without you.” I said, “Listen, all I did was open the door for you so that the Prime Minister of India would let you in.” He said, “Did you see the look on his face?” I said, “I think he thought I was the Prime Minister, and couldn’t believe I was opening the door for someone who looked like one of those guys who patrol neighbourhoods asking homeowners if they’ve thought about changing their electricity provider.” He said, “Steady on, mate.” I said, “But once he figured out who you were, I thought the two of you had some really good, constructive, warm chemistry.”

He said, “I think there is some political goodwill. He looks like he is going to pay a visit to us in New Zealand.

“They were the most forward- leaning statements around a free trade agreement that we have heard out of the Indian Government. He wants to make progress relatively rapidly, and he wants it to be comprehensive.

“Now, like all of these things, obviously the recognition is it takes some time to work through the system and there are sensitivities and we’ll have to work on that. Without doubt, we are making progress.”

I said, “So did he say he’d change his electricity provider?”

He said, “He said he’d think about it.”

MICHAEL CHEIKA

The kid strikes me as a complete clown.

And obviously the All Blacks are connected to it. They probably filmed it. You can just picture them sitting in the car with Max Key, all 15 of them, squeezed in somehow, on each other’s laps or whatever, yes they’re big boys and they take up a lot of room, but they’re very agile, very flexible, I mean they are outstanding athletes, they are unbelievably good, I would never not respect their ability, but their behaviour is another matter entirely and it’s as though no one ever told them right from wrong. Plus they have problems sorting out reality from fantasy.

MIKE HOSKING

I’ve known Max Key for a while now and I can vouch for his good behaviour and moral conduct. He comes from a splendid family who value the importance of manners and respect. I remember the first time I met him. It was at a family barbecue in St Stephens Ave. I said, “Hello there, young fellah!” And he said, “Wash the car.”

NEW ZEALAND POLICE

The New Zealand Police can confirm it will not be talking to Max Key after he allegedly made comments from his car on a street in Auckland.

While it is an infringement to use a mobile phone while driving, it is unclear from the very brief video footage whether the person using the phone is also driving.

Someone called Mr Cheika suggests there were other people in the car, and that they play for the All Blacks.

In any case, police will be interested in talking to Max Key if he has views which endorse or actively promote euthanasia. He is advised that a roadblock will take effect near his property this weekend.

INDIAN PRIME MINISTER NARENDRA MODI

I was sitting down to dinner when the phone rang. Isn’t that always the way! I said, “Yes? Who is it?” It was someone asking me whether I’d thought any more about changing my electricity provider.

“Wrong number,” I said.