No more excuses

Something has gone drastically wrong in our national narrative about sex. Somewhere along the line, in our fear of speaking openly to kids about sexuality, we seem to have forgotten to convey the idea that women should be active participants in sex, writes Lizzie Marvelly.

T here’s always an excuse. “Did you not recognise that telling him you were on the pill in those circumstances was you telling him you wanted to have sex with him?”

“The boys are absolutely distraught at what’s happened. I don’t in any way want to minimise what was said, but I think at times there is bravado that can happen on these jolly websites and I think that’s probably what’s happened.”

“She was dressed quite revealing . . . [ she had] a short skirt and pink top with her breasts out. She wasn’t dressed conservatively like when she came to court on the first day.”

“Just because a complainant has no memory of what happened does not mean that she did not consent at the time.”

“If a woman takes her clothes off and walks around in a group of men, what are we supposed to do if one of them tries to touch her?”

“How free and easy are you kids these days out there?”

“All she would have had to do was to close her legs . . . it’s as simple as that.”

Those are the words of defence counsel Philip Morgan, QC, Wellington College Headmaster Roger Moses, Black Cap Scott Kuggeleijn, defence counsel Trudi Aickin, former Gallagher Group executive Margaret Comer, former broadcaster John Tamihere, and defence counsel Keith Jefferies respectively. A snapshot of a culture of apologism.

Every time a new story about alleged sexual violence hits the news — which happens with alarming regularity in our small country — I can guess with relative accuracy the excuses that will be used to explain away bad and sometimes criminal behaviour. Our drinking culture is out of control. Boys will be boys. Social media is poisoning our youth. She led him on. She didn’t say no. She was dressed provocatively. She was drunk and now she regrets it. Take your pick.

This week two new names joined our hall of shame: Brandon Roche and Brooke Rolleston. The two young Christchurch men were found guilty in the Christchurch District Court of raping a 15- year- old girl who was so drunk that she has no memory of the assault.

The details of the case are harrowing. A house party while parents were away that went horribly wrong. A boyfriend who recognised how intoxicated his girlfriend was and tried to keep her safe. Two young men who removed her from a bed where she was sleeping with two female friends, took her into another room, raped her, then emerged for high- fives with their mates. High- fives. As if they’d done something worthy of praise.

I have to ask, New Zealand. At what point do we acknowledge that we have a problem?

How does a teenager get to the point where they think it is okay to rape a drunk, underage girl? How does the notion form in a young man’s head that a girl or a woman is just a means to an end — their orgasm? The young woman in this heartbreaking case was basically used as a sex doll. She was not seen as a human being by the two young men who raped her. She was a prop in their juvenile game of macho pack bonding.

It’s a problem we’ve known about for years now, ever since the Roast Busters dragged our filthy laundry into the public eye. Something has gone drastically wrong in our national narrative about sex, and we can’t seem to bring ourselves to do something about it. Somewhere along the line, in our fear of speaking openly to kids about sexuality, we seem to have forgotten to convey the idea that women should be active participants in sex. That they should be more than woozy ragdolls, powerless to stop the determined acts of young men who’ve grown up on a diet of good old Kiwi masculinity and online porn.

As unpleasant an idea as this is, we have to wake up to the reality that it is porn stars, not parents and teachers, who are the ones teaching our kids about sex. TV psychologist Nigel Latta estimates that 31 per cent of New Zealand boys are watching porn regularly. Auckland clinical psychologist Rebecca Daly- Peoples told Fairfax that pornography is “completely influencing the entire way [ young people are] seeing sex and intimacy.”

A close friend of mine, who has a 12- year- old daughter, has begun to ask friends with teenaged sons whether they’ve told their boys not to rape anyone when they go to parties. I can just imagine how that goes down at dinner parties, but I don’t blame her. We can now quite confidently say that decades of telling girls and women to be careful not to “get raped” hasn’t worked. Perhaps it’s time that we turned our attention to the side that does the overwhelming share of the raping.

And yes, I know. Not all men are monsters, and some men are also victims of sexual assault — ironically largely perpetrated by other men. I also know that while we refuse to speak frankly about men’s role in perpetrating sexual violence, we are complicit in every Roast Busters- style assault that takes place at teenaged parties around New Zealand.

There are a million excuses we can come up with for not having this conversation. I think I’ve just about heard them all. But if we don’t confront this issue, boys will continue to have warped views about sex and girls will continue to be used as warm corpses with available sex organs. That’s not the kind of New Zealand I would want to raise kids in.

Two young men will soon be sent to prison for their despicable acts, but the blame stretches further than that represented by their convictions.

What happened to that girl in Christchurch? That’s on all of us.

How does a teenager get to the point where they think it is okay to rape a drunk, underage girl?