Best Roy Keane bust- ups
The main joy of open- entry knockout competitions like the FA Cup is the potential for fairytales, in which tiny and otherwise- irrelevant clubs earn the chance to embark on a famous winning run and mix it with the big boys.
And those fairytales don’t come much more improbable than that of Christos FC, an amateur club who this week faced four- time Major League Soccer champions DC United in the US Open Cup.
The many charms of Christos were captured by a Washington Post story headlined ‘ This amateur soccer team, headquartered in a liquor store, never practises and rarely loses’, setting the stage for what was almost an incredible upset.
To begin, the Post weren’t kidding about the booze shop — the team is named after and based out of Christos Discount Liquors. And they were deadly serious about the whole no- practising thing, too.
Right back Collin Fisher has no time to train while being on- call 24 hours a day as a plumber. “The last time I ran was probably in high school,” he said. Midfielder Daniel Baxter is also unavailable, given he’s an X- ray technician who works night shifts. And centre back Josh Taylor said his only practise came while playing with his daughter’s size- three ball.
As befitting a team that doesn’t train, Christos have never scouted opponents or studied tactics, while the coaches pick the starting line- up for a match based on which players can get time off work.
If this sounds familiar to all the weekend warriors out there, now imagine coming up against a club the calibre of DC United, All White Ryan Nelsen’s former club — and imagine taking the lead.
A stunning early free kick from Mamadou Kansaye saw Christos do just that and, after conceding an equaliser, the amateurs kept the scores level until the 80th minute, before DC scored three late goals.
“You can just tell we had tired legs at the end,” co- coach Bryan Bugarin told the Post. “We knew we could play, soccer- wise. It was, ‘ Hey, how long can we last, fitness- wise?’”
It’s almost as if never training isn’t the best preparation for keeping pace with a professional squad, even if such a strategy had served Christos well in the competition’s earlier rounds.
Following a first- round win over another group of local battlers, 12 Christos players packed into a nineseater van and, together with three teammates who drove themselves after work, pulled off an incredible upset over the Richmond Kickers, a team in the second- tier of US soccer who play in a 22,000- seat stadium.
At this point, we must return to the last part of that Post headline to understand how such a result was possible: Christos barely ever lose. The squad features numerous players who starred in national collegiate soccer and now attend a nearby postgraduate school, a quality roster that last year captured two American amateur championships.
When combined with a 50- match unbeaten streak that was broken in April, Christos can lay claim to be the most dominant amateur team in the United States.
Imagine how good they would be if they practised. Forty- seven years ago this week, Dock Ellis completed the greatest achievement in the history of baseball.
Actually, that billing is probably misleading. It would be more accurate to say that, on June 12, 1970, Ellis completed the greatest achievement in the history of sports.
On a misty and windy afternoon at San Diego Stadium, the Pittsburgh Pirates pitcher threw a no- hitter to shut out the Padres — while under the influence of LSD.
For those unfamiliar with a nohitter, it’s when a pitcher records 27 outs without a single opposition batter recording a hit. For those unfamiliar with LSD, well, the psychedelic drug is not exactly conducive to feats of athletic precision.
Indeed, Ellis was somewhat less than precise in blanking the Padres: he walked eight batters, hit another with a pitch, allowed three men to steal second base while paying insufficient attention to the base paths, and was the beneficiary of several stellar defensive plays in the field.
But still, he was dominant enough to pitch his team to a 2- 0 victory — and he’d had enough practise managing the effects of the drug, later in life admitting to playing nearly every game under the influence of LSD.
If his story and his performance on that grey June afternoon in San Diego sound like something that would make a good movie, you’re in luck: it was announced this week that a biopic is now in production. Former Manchester United firebrand Roy Keane fought so many foes during his career that some of the scraps are only now coming to light, like his dustup with one- time United defender Gabriel Heinze. The Argentinian this week revealed Keane wasted little time welcoming him to the club in 2004, being knocked out cold in the dressing room after a loss. “[ Keane] is staring at me and he says, ‘ f— off',” Heinze said. “I knew that swear word because those are the first things you learn. He comes towards me and I tell him ‘ f— you', and that is the last thing I remember.” Heinze said he held no grudge over the incident and even asked Sir Alex Ferguson if he needed to apologise, to which the manager replied, “No, Roy’s like that.” Truer words, as the following examples will attest, were never spoken. . .
Heinze wasn’t the first teammate to earn Keane’s ire. During a boozy night out on a pre- season tour to Hong Kong in 1997, the United captain ‘ cleared the air’ with Peter Schmeichel after regularly arguing with the goalkeeper on the field. My favourite part: according to Keane, midfielder Nicky Butt “refereed the fight”.
Keane’s falling out with manager Mick McCarthy doomed Ireland’s 2002 World Cup bid before it even began, an incident that culminated with this classic quote: “Mick, I didn't rate you as a player, I don't rate you as a manager and I don't rate you as a person. You're a f— ing wanker and you can stick your World Cup up your arse.”
The rivalry between United and Arsenal in the early 2000s was the Premier League’s best and culminated in a pre- match tunnel clash between Keane and Gunners captain Patrick Vieira, finished by Keane pointing at the pitch and saying, “I’ll see you out there.” And unlike the others on this list, that was one scrap captured on camera.