Steve Braunias’ Secret Diary of ... campaign trail food

BILL ENGLISH PETER DUNNE

Since my announcement last week that I was not seeking re- election to Parliament, after 33 years as an MP, a couple of things have taken me by surprise. One is the sight of politicians eating food on the campaign trail. I have always treated politics as a serious business and never once stopped to eat food on the campaign trail. Certainly there were temptations galore. How well I remember the warm smell of fresh baking prepared for me at every rest home in the great electorate of Ohariu! “No, thank you, madam,” I would tell them, gently but firmly. Many of them said to me, “Sorry, who are you again?” I got that a lot in my 33 years. I shall miss it.

BILL ENGLISH

Highlight of the week — following up our ultra- fast broadband announcement today with an ultratasty steak and cheese pie.

JAMES SHAW

You may be wondering why I’ve barely said a peep all week at this crucial stage of the election campaign.

It’s because I’ve decided to go on a fast.

I am only drinking cold water. Occasionally, for a treat, I will boil the jug, and drink a cup of hot water.

This is helping to keep my thoughts pure as I sit in a dark room and send out good vibes to the remainder of our followers.

God bless you all.

BILL ENGLISH WINSTON PETERS

I went to pay my hotel bill on the campaign trail this morning, and the woman at reception had the gall to charge me for room service.

“I didn’t order room service,” I said.

She showed me a docket for room service which had my signature on it.

I said, “Who gave you that docket?” She said, “Housekeeping.” I said, “Who else has seen that docket?” She said, “The manager.” I said, “Well, what business is it of the manager to be looking at my private information?”

She laughed. I gave her a stern look, and said, “You can laugh about privacy. But one day madam, they will come for you — and when they do, you won’t be so happy. Privacy is a part of our society. We are a great democracy. What do you think of that, madam?” She said, “Would you like to pay by credit card, or cash?” “Cash,” I said. Just then Shane Jones came out of the lift and headed for reception.

JACINDA ARDERN

What have I been eating on the campaign trail? Yeah, good question. And I think New Zealanders have a right to know that. I also think that most New Zealand know my values, and they know that I’m transparent about all my dealings. That’s why I’ll be sending out a working party to investigate the issue. They are charged with reporting back on their findings. And when they do that, I will absolutely declare what it is I have been eating on the campaign trail. I expect it will take about six to nine months.

BILL ENGLISH

I seem to have lost my appetite.