Steve Braunias’ Secret Diary of ... New Zealand politics

I had a very nice conversation on Monday with the new president of New Zealand.

She sounded like a lovely woman. We spoke for many minutes and each second was something precious and beautiful. I don’t just mean for her. I also enjoyed it.

I don’t remember anything she said, but I remember everything I said to her. I have one of the great memories of all time. You can test me. Ask me anything. The woman’s name? Well, that’s not important. But what I can say is she sounded like a lovely woman.

I said to her, “Do you play golf? Come and play golf me with some time. The course at Mar- a- Lago, where I’m calling from, is very, very beautiful. Melania would love to show you around the powder room. It’s the best powder room in the world. It’s got everything. Powder, you name it. Sometimes Melania goes in there and she loves it so much that she just camps out.

“Now I think of it , I haven’t seen her for many, many weeks. So come to Florida today, and help me look for her. I’ll send a jet. How does that sound?”

She said something about having to go because Justin Trudeau was on the other line and that’s when I remembered she was described by one of our operatives in the field as a pretty Communist. This is a momentous week in the history of the Green Party of New Zealand.

We have spent nine long, hard years in Opposition. But we stayed focused, and worked to develop policies that might best tackle some of the biggest issues facing not just New Zealand but the world.

Climate change. Homelessness. The gap between rich and poor.

Now, finally, we can put our ideas into practice, and make a difference. All that hard work is about to pay off. “Congratulations,” said Jacinda. “Thank you,” I said. “It’s been a long journey to get to this place, a lot of tears have flowed under the bridge, but here we are. Here we are, at last.” “Yes,” she said. “How’s Metiria?” I said, “Who?” The team staged a farewell morning tea for me on Wednesday in the Prime Minister’s office. There was fruit cake, biscuits, sandwiches, and an ultratasty steak and cheese pie.

Paula said a few words, and made a joke about pizza.

I thanked everyone for their support.

There was applause, and then a bit of an awkward silence. Mary stood at my side. A few of the MPs wore funny hats. I think David Seymour was there. There was a card. The front of it was a photo of me on stage on election night raising my hands in victory. People wrote nice things inside, and there were also a few smiley faces.

The cake ran out and so did the biscuits. People began drifting off. Mary gave me a kiss, and said she’d see me at home. The movers came in and started packing boxes. I looked at my phone. No new messages. “Well,” I said, “better take the plates and cups into the kitchen. They won’t wash themselves!” But everyone had gone. I stood at the window and looked out on to the harbour. The water was as flat and grey as a shield.

JACINDA ARDERN

I moved into my new office on Thursday. You’d have thought someone would have tidied up the cups and plates. James Shaw.