Revenge best served on cold plate — and we’ll do the dishes
The depth of All Black cruelty knows no bounds. Surely it is enough to satisfy Kiwi bloodlust that Australians must endure ritual humiliation on an annual basis starting with tonight’s first ordeal (the term “test” doesn’t really cut it any more) in Sydney.
Yet now we are being forced to acknowledge our cruel tormentors are modern day sporting saints whose only fault is accidentally knocking off each other’s halos in a scrum.
The image of All Blacks coach Steve Hansen doing the dishes at the Christchurch City Mission sickened Australians the way a picture of Donald Trump playing with children at a refugee camp might sicken American Democrats.
Not because Hansen is the architect of our misery or that he might not be a genuinely caring guy; but because deep down, we know his list of weekly chores is not complete.
On Friday, Hansen does the dishes, and on Saturday night in Sydney, he takes out the trash. Boom-Tish!
Mind you, no one was falling for Hansen’s Mother Teresa impersonation in Australia. Not after he had the temerity to tell reporters that the Wallabies deserved favouritism in ordeal one. As cruel statements go, that was like telling a
Bernard Foley declared the intention to keep the All Blacks to just 20 points, although he didn’t say whether this was for the game, in the first 15 minutes or during the haka.
three-year-old on trainer wheels he deserved favouritism in the Tour de France — then leaving him at the foot of the French Alps and telling him to go his hardest.
By now, you might have noted a hint of pessimism about the Wallabies’ chances. A bit of black humour is inevitable when you have seen someone using a Nokia mobile phone or humming a Kelly Clarkson song (yes, I Googled 2002) more recently than you’ve seen the Bledisloe Cup.
As we like to say: Better All Blacks Make Bitter Aussies.
Predictably, the rather subdued mood in Sydney has been reflected in ticket sales, with only about 60,000 expected to turn up at cavernous ANZ Stadium, a ground that is marked for demolition; although unfortunately not before — or, even better, during — tonight’s game.
This means more than 20,000 seats will be left vacant in Sydney’s coliseum by those with something better to do than watch the Wallabies play the role of Christians to the All Blacks’ ravenous lions.
(I’ve been recommending rugby fans instead go to see the excellent Kiwi film The Breaker Upperers which is possibly the only way a New Zealander is likely to leave an Australian laughing on Saturday evening.)
There are, of course, a few rugger diehards still clinging to the vague hope the Wallabies will regain the Bledisloe Cup while there are still polar ice caps and you don’t need sunscreen in Helsinki.
This year’s delusion centres on the Wallabies’ fabulous one-game winning streak over the All Blacks which came courtesy of a dead rubber victory in Brisbane in October celebrated like it was a World Cup final. According to star fullback Israel Folau, the Wallabies are motivated enough. “It’s something as players that you really get sick of being on the losing end of things . . . it’s not rocket science that you really want to win it.”
This would be even more encouraging if Folau’s commitment to the Wallabies extended beyond the current series and we didn’t suspect he would be wearing a Broncos jersey or playing in Europe the next time the All Blacks are invading Australian territory; or even if he really was a rocket scientist.
Another Wallaby, Matt Toomua, went as far as to say the Wallabies needed to win to provide “inspirational moments for [Australian] kids” who wanted to play rugby. Presumably, more inspirational than coming back from 54-6 after 48 minutes in last year’s Bledisloe Cup opener to only lose 54-34.
By then, ANZ Stadium had the atmosphere of a Bondi pub around closing time (the locals had gone home and the Kiwis were still storming the bars), with even the notoriously fickle local fans being forgiven for beating the traffic.
Bernard Foley is determined this won’t happen, again declaring the intention to keep the All Blacks to just
20 points, although he didn’t say whether this was for the game, in the first 15 minutes or during the haka.
Speaking of which, news that some All Blacks greats believe the haka should only be performed in a few important tests each season is heartening. Presumably that means sparing the Wallabies and saving the ritual for Ireland or South Africa.
Meanwhile, we Aussies keep telling ourselves that each Bledisloe Cup defeat brings the Wallabies one year closer to serving the All Blacks a big cold plate of revenge. Let’s see if Hansen stays around to do the dishes then!