Greta Thunberg’s secret diary
MIKE HOSKING
Little girls should be seen and not heard.
DUNCAN GARNER
Little girls should be rarely seen or heard.
GRETA THUNBERG
I should be back at school.
MIKE HOSKING
Bursting into tears! Oh come off it. It’s not like her cat died.
DUNCAN GARNER
She totally overplayed her hand at the UN — too dramatic. What’s her problem?
GRETA THUNBERG
People are dying.
MIKE HOSKING
She suffers, like so many of her climate change lot, from a fantastic sense of self-entitlement. But there’s a cure for her suffering. It’s called shutting up.
DUNCAN GARNER
Do your bit but don’t become a climate freak. Nobody wants to listen to a freak! She should try shutting up.
GRETA THUNBERG
To have a 67 per cent chance of staying below a 1.5C global temperature rise — the best odds given by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change — the world had 420 gigatons of carbon dioxide left to emit back on January 1, 2018. Today that figure is already down to less than 350 gigatons.
MIKE HOSKING
Shut up.
DUNCAN GARNER
Shut up.
GRETA THUNBERG
The world is waking up. And change is coming, whether you like it or not.
MIKE HOSKING
I don’t like it.
DUNCAN GARNER
I don’t like it.
GRETA THUNBERG
The eyes of all future generations are upon you. And if you choose to fail us I say we will never forgive you. We will not let you get away with this.
MIKE HOSKING
She’s been badly let down by her parents. You have to wonder what their role was in this whole fiasco.
DUNCAN GARNER
It all comes back to the parents, doesn’t it? It’s my understanding that they’re Swedish. Well, enough said.
GRETA THUNBERG
I honestly don’t understand why adults would choose to spend their time mocking and threatening teenagers and children for promoting science, when they could do something good instead. I guess they must simply feel so threatened by us.
MIKE HOSKING
Here’s the deal. Greta Thunberg will grow up to become a Jacinda Ardern — and what worse fate is there than that?
DUNCAN GARNER
Greta Thunberg, a hero for the young people? That’s like saying Jacinda Ardern has any merit.
DONALD TRUMP
She seems like a very happy young girl looking forward to a bright and wonderful future. So nice to see! Yes, I’ve always had a lot of time for Jacinda Ardern.