Steve Braunias’ Secret Diary of ... the All Blacks v Ireland
JACINDA ARDERN
Let me be perfectly clear about the All Blacks’ chances against Ireland in tonight’s quarter-final.
In a very real sense the result won’t matter, just as the latest polls don’t matter. Let’s put the polls aside and let’s talk about challenges. I know about challenges. I wrote the book on challenges. It’s a good book and I promise to deliver it soon. Very soon.
It’s got Stephen Colbert in it! I had coffee with him on Monday. Such a great guy, and of course his presence in New Zealand will do so much to restore business confidence and lessen the housing crisis.
SIMON BRIDGES
Oh, look, I know some people think of the All Blacks as a gang, but there are good gangs and bad gangs, and there are also very, very bad gangs. But we have seen too much legitimisation and apologism for gangs in recent times when the reality is very different.
My bottom line is that I will come down hard on gangs. I will teach them a lesson they won’t forget in a hurry. I will stand up to them and tell them in no uncertain terms that they can’t come in looking like that, and I’m not going to say sorry. I will not apologism.
PETER JACKSON
Money can’t buy you happiness at the Rugby World Cup. That’s a shame. Because what’s the good of having money if you can’t buy things with it? I went out shopping the other day and thought, well, I’ll have that shop, that shop, and that shop, and ooh while I’m here I think I’ll buy the mayoralty of Wellington.
And do you know something? I put it in my pocket, and came home and put it on the mantelpiece. It’s my little slice of Wellywood.
JESSE MULLIGAN
I say good luck to the All Blacks but if I were them I’d be playing with one eye over my shoulder. I know I do.
I don’t mean to be depressing but we could lose. We could lose, and we’d be out of the World Cup. Gone. Shown the door. Thrown out, you know?
It’s not unrealistic or an exaggeration to say that. What’s the problem? Well, the ABs have a big competitor. You will have heard of them - Ireland.
There’s an Ireland in all our lives. Everything ends. The light gleams an instant; then it’s night once more. Have a pleasant evening.
SHANE JONES
I was at the firing range the other day with an AR-15 and do you know what I thought? All the ABs need to do is get Ireland in their sights, pull the trigger, and blow them from here to kingdom come.
I don’t think any one of us has a problem with that.