My daughter: ‘What are you wearing?’
I share the following story with permission from my daughter. It highlights that everyone can have these horrible experiences — because our girls are not the problem in such situations. None of these experiences is ever asked for or acceptable at all.
I was giving a presentation away from home. I had just finished speaking about how we can all be great parents when the phone rang. It was one of my daughters, sobbing. Daughter: Dad, something really bad has happened.
Me: You sound really upset. I’m here. Take your time. I can listen as long as you want.
Through her tears, my daughter (a Year 9 student) told me that a boy she had known since her first year of school had propositioned her on the phone for explicit images. They had been texting.
She was in the living room because our rules — developed with and agreed to by her — didn’t allow devices in her bedroom. They had been messaging for a while. Basic conversations.
Then he sent an unexpected question. Him: What are you wearing?
Her: My pyjamas.
Him: What are you wearing under your pyjamas?
Her (feeling very uncomfortable): My undies.
Him: Will you send me a picture? At that point, my daughter ended the conversation (and blocked him).
But she was badly shaken. Her trust has been violated. He was a “friend” in the true sense of the word.
They had known each other for a decade.
There had never been any indication of sexual motives before. This experience changed my daughter’s view of the males in her life. She began to wonder about their motives. Innocence was lost. The fact that no explicit images were exchanged did not negate her hurt and feelings of being dishonoured. She felt violated, as if she was nothing more than an object. In her eyes, their friendship was a sham.
Subsequent conversations with her friends led to some important revelations. When my daughter began to share her experience, it became clear the boy had made the same request of several other girls in their friendship circle, although none of them had told anyone, and he had succeeded in “scoring” images from some of them.
(To finish the story, I contacted his parents, who were aghast. I sent them screenshots of his requests and passed on other information. I reassured them that we wanted to help and held no ill-will. They were wonderful in responding to our concerns and in developing strategies to help their son make better choices and develop a respectful approach to communicating with his peers, both boys and girls.)