Steve Braunias’ Secret Diary of ... Covid-19
KIWI BLOKE, 37
Yeah, look, at the end of the day she’ll be right and no worries mate and all good so long as we spend the day stripping the supermarket shelves bare. It’s better to be safe than sorry and when it comes to my family’s safety nothing will come between me and enough rolls of toilet paper to last, oh, say, a good 50 years.
But of course, some silly buggers are going to panic. That’s inevitable. You can’t do much about people like that. They’re an embarrassment. You see them stripping the supermarket shelves bare of inessential items and that’s just wrong. Toilet paper, mate. That’s what you want. Lots of it. Lots and lots and lots.
SWEET OLD GRANNY, 89
It’s very windy where I live. All it will take is a good stiff breeze to bring coronavirus germs to my doorstep. I’d like to see what Dr Ashley Bloomfield has to say about that! What sort of name is Ashley for a man, that’s what I’d like to know.
SOCIAL MEDIA TROLL, 21
A virus like that will spread throughout the country in no time flat. Not that I’m worried. I’m safe. I’ve been in self-isolation since I left school. I’ve got anxiety issues. But I’ve also got fast broadband.
SOCIALLY PROGRESSIVE WOMAN, 33
What we need right now is information. That’s how we, as a community, can best respond to the crisis, although we should be very careful about calling it a crisis. That’s not very helpful. If we want to be helpful, and giving help is key, then we should look in on our neighbours. And I will do that, but right now I have to go to the supermarket and strip the shelves bare.
ANGRY CONSERVATIVE MAN, 48
The way the Government is handling this is nothing short of a disgrace. They’re more worried about giving prisoners the vote than they are about preparing for the economic crisis that will affect New Zealand in the wake of the coronavirus disaster. And telling people to wash their hands isn’t going to help when unemployment soars and the gangs take over. We need a plan. We need a Government that can sort it out. As for the spread of the virus, it wouldn’t hurt to impose draconian measures and deprive people of their basic human rights. The economy is the thing we have to worry about. The economy. The economy. The economy.
KIWI BLOKE’S WIFE, 43
He’s been acting a bit strange lately. “Just taking the boat out for a spin,” he says. “Catch some fish. You can never have enough fish.” But then he just stays in the boat and stocks it up with bottled water, hand sanitisers, and toilet paper. Lots of toilet paper.
“We’ll take the kids and head out if things get bad,” he says.
“We’re going to be okay,” I tell him. “You just have to be sensible.”
“No, you just have to take precautions,” he says.
I sneezed this morning. He stared at me with a look of pure horror and without saying a word, he ran out the door and drove off with the boat.